As the Nintendo Wii nears the end of its life, we take a look back at some of the games what was never were on the computer video electronic thingy majigger bob entertainment system.
The Nintendo Wii Games That Didn’t Exist
Yes, those classics what done and slipped by and will never exist… unless of course someone makes them for the consoles’ successor.
Still, we’re not ones to really dwell on things and, like a recently dormant volcano coming to from its slumber, we shall say the games listed in this post will probably NEVER be made by anyone, ever. For shame!
We should explain to the oblivious—the Wii is a Nintendo console that does allow you to interact with video games by a virtual remote.
So you can play tennis and what have you by waving the remote about the place. Nintendo’s first port of call, here, was to put a liability waver up on the loading screen of all games. Rightly so.
There have been a total of seventeen billion lost teeth since the Wii’s inception back in 2006. Over enthusiasm is the main culprit; a violent wave and all of a sudden your friend is lacking a denture. Ho-hum.
Still, it’s a fantastic console that caters for hardcore and casual gamers alike, and you should demand the following games in the Next Generation era! Here are the games, guy. Don’t get too intrigued—they don’t exist!
Players spin around at high speed until they chuck up everywhere! The last player to do so is thrashed mercilessly by the other players with (sold separately) Wii Whips.
Wii Whooping Cough
The trick here is to go and find yourself a nasty cough before you play. Hang around hospitals, doctor’s clinics… generally anywhere where germs are commonplace.
The goal of the game is to create an extremely loud cough which the game, with stunning modern technology, can tell the decibel level of. Inspiring!
Wii Get Your Coat You’ve Pulled
You can take the Wii Remote with you into town with this game and it will “whisper” useful chat-up lines to you whenever you see someone you’d like to chat up.
Useful lines include, “Hello, you look like a tree!”, “Are those really your arms?”, “You teeth look like they could need a brush…”, “Knock knock! A rotting donkey carcass!”, and the sure fired success of, “I noticed you staring at me from across the room, either that or you’ve got diseased eyeballs that look anywhere in a, sort of, existential state of rotting dismay.”
Wii Stereotypical Football Hooligan
Punching foreigners, drinking beer, being racist and homophobic, getting sunburn, listening to awful music, swearing, being loud and annoying.
It’s all part of the British football hooligan’s way! Now with this Wii game intelligent people can, for the first time, understand the mind-crushing stupidity of the football hooligan!
Wii English Public Transport
Public transport is horrible. Unexplained lengthy delays, unexplained lateness, unexplained failures, ridiculously overpriced tickets, snobby and unhelpful staff, and annoying fellow public transport users?
Check! This game allows you to live the crushing annoyances of day-to-day public transport use!
Wii Haggis Maker
The heart, lungs, kidneys, spleen, lungs, brain, feet, nostrils, and dentures of a sheep boiled in its stomach.
In this fun game you get to go through each stomach-churning haggis-making process in vivid detail!
Wii Ear Wax Sculpting
Everyone loves ear wax! In this thrilling game one gets to mould and shape ear wax into all types of shapes! If you want to make a weird sculpture like Richard Dreyfuss does in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, then you can!
If you want to make a giant expletive then go right ahead! Huzzah!
How to shave is a daily nightmare for many men.
Ladies, find out how annoying it is to have to shave your face daily with this extraordinary new game!
Simply spray on (spray not included) fake stubble and use the Wii Shaver to shave off the stylish stubble due to your work not allowing any form of sedition!
Please note; spray has been known to cause convulsions in most normal human beings. Use at your discretion.