Part of our manly man guide (which has, previously, informed you about balding gracefully), which is also for women (well, why not?), today we’re discussing how to shave your face with a sharp blade. The purpose of this can be vast and numerous, but in modern times it is particularly important to distance oneself from Hipster beards.
In today’s guide, you will learn the fundamental aspects of shaving your face, thusly ensuring you head out into the world tomorrow as a better man, or an enlightened woman who now comprehends the magnitude of having to remove stuff sprouting from one’s face on a regular basis.
How to Shave Your Face
There are certain items you’ll need in order to ensure you have a safe and secure shave. Follow our instructions below exactly to emerge from your ordeal alive. Also, watch the Wallace and Gromit episode A Close Shave for further tips and advice on how you should, and should not, go about shaving.
Items You’ll Need
- Butchers knife
- Bottle of ethanol/spirits
- Bits of toilet paper
If this is your first shave, perhaps also have on hand an elder-statesman (such as your local MP) in your bathroom to guide you through the process. They will be able to impart handy advice such as, “No, you’ve sliced open your jugular and are now bleeding out profusely. You will need to call an ambulance to avoid certain death.”
Splash your face with warm, or scolding hot, water to ensure your hairy face is ready to stop being so hairy. You can use a tap to playfully splash water onto your fizzog, as if frolicking gaily with the damsel in distress of your dreams on some beach in paradise, or simply run a full bath and submerge your entire skull into the mass of liquid. The latter may be preferable if you want to ensure your whole face is thoroughly wet.
It’s the big moment. If you’re feeling nervous, drink half of the ethanol/spirits you have to bolster your confidence. Then you must lather on the foam so it covers your hairy bits (except your eyebrows). Any foam will do the job. If you do not have foam, use washing up liquid.
Next, pick up your blade (the butchers knife) and bellow with the might of a thousand strong army. You are ready to shave. Be cautious but firm and steady – treat your stubble/beard with the contempt it deserves. In dramatic, poetic strokes, glance the blade across your face and you will see the hairs being murdered before your eyes. Congratulations, you are shaving!
Continue with these motions until your face is bare. At this point, if you are bleeding enormously from several open lacerations, dot pieces of toilet paper onto the open wounds to stop the flow of blood. If you start feeling lightheaded, go and have a lie down.
With your shave completed, it’s time to splash alcohol all over your face to sufficiently dry out your skin and so you can relive that bit from Home Alone with Kevin. So cool, right? Now you look like the rampant professional you well and truly are, politely ask your MP to vacate your premises, and then garb yourself as is required for your daily routine.
Addendum: Hipster Beards
Finally, if you have abandoned your social and economic duties and wish to go about life as if you are a schlub, now is the time to grow a Hipster beard. Ensure your place of work allows Hipster beards before commencing with this project. Once cleared, do not shave for many months until your beard becomes straggled and you are fully reconnected with pre-history and your forefathers – Cro-Magnon man.
Whilst you own a Hipster beard, ensure you keep your enormous bushy beard away from open flames, as figures from 2016 indicated there were several instances of Hipsters catching fire due to lack of awareness about the growing beard/open flame safety hazard. Be safe out there. Shave.