Do you recognise these noises from a recent journey on public transport?

“Sccruuunnchhh mmmppphhhh mppphhhhhh crunch cRrrrUUUnnchhh mffff rustle *RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE* SCRRRUUNNchhhh mmmppphhhh goorghhmmpphhh!!”

That is the sound someone makes when they eat a packet of crisps on public transport. Now, note the word “public” in public transport.

It’s akin to one of those heathens who eats apples during working hours. AND IT MUST STOP!! And that’s what we’re here today to discuss.

Eating on Public Transport as an Obnoxious Act Against Humanity

Self-awareness. This means others should be aware of fellow commuters and, thusly, should recognise their chomping on a reeking, noisy packet of crisps will get on other people’s nerves.

This isn’t just an issue relating to misophonia sufferers.

It’s also just basic public etiquette. Of being polite and intelligent enough to recognise not everyone wants to listen to you stuffing your stupid face with food.

Of course, in the real world, your average dolt on a bus is too self-absorbed and famished to know any better. They’re thinking the following.

“Me hungry. Me eat crisps!”

And if it’s not crisps it’s a full on fish and chips dinner. And we’re not making that one up, these events have all happened on Mr. Wapojif’s journey home tonight.

That includes a cigarette (smoking is banned on public transport in the UK). And one other guy was busy stuffing a pasty into his stupid face.

So what was it about the 18/04/2013 that made everyone in the Reddish area of Manchester so gosh darned hungry? We have no idea.

It seemed like a tedious coincidence above everything else, although the standard mobile phone conversations are a perpetual feature of contemporary public transport.

Again, dear reader, please note this is how you sound on a mobile.

“Yeah… no… yeah… no… three… maybe… yeah… okay then… I don’t know… where are you?… yeah… no… see you later, snuggums!”

Enough to make even the most stoic of stoics want to punch the mobile user in the face.

So, excuse the belligerent rant, but if the public weren’t so self-absorbed we’d have been able to come up with another cheerful post.

Egads, comrades, if only we could all convert to Marxism! Or something.