Come Dine With Me

“I say! What a spiffing time we’re all having!”

There’s a very popular British TV series called Come Dine With Me which is the focus for today’s post. If you’ve no idea what this is about, the show picks five people from a random town in Plate Britain (see the clever wordplay?) who proceed, over the course of 5 days in the week, to try and out cook the others at dinner parties. The others secretly score, bitch, and moan about the other contestants behind their back, and award them a score out of 10. Whoever gets the highest score wins £1k. Simples. The real brilliance of the show is its narrator, comedian Dave Lamb, who effectively spends each 30 minute episode ridiculing the show’s participants.

So, if we went on the thing what would we cook? Would we throw any entertainment? Some guests, bizarrely, think it’s pleasant to have an end-of-evening dip in a hot tub… for some reason this has happened many times on the show. We can’t think of a more horrendous way to cap off a filling meal. Oh wait, yes we can! How about the woman who, having stuffed her guests, forced her guests to have a go on the, rather physical, Wii Tennis. It ended in lots of vomit, we can assure you!

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Drinks, and hors d’oeuvre

On arrival the guests would be greeted by Michael Caine pretending to be Albert from the Batman films. Christian Bale would also be in attendance dressed in his dramatic Batman costume, and the pair would serve out drinks of bovril, shandy, babysham, and light snacks such as cubes of cheese and pineapple on a toothpick, and arbitrary bits of chicken from last weekend’s roast.

Pre-Meal Entertainment

Christian Bale will perform a duet of ABBA’s Dancing Queen with Michael Caine. Guests will be encouraged to pelt the duo with rotten tomatoes and eggs until both grow tired of this development and threaten violence. At this stage it’s time for the food!

You should ask your dinner guests this regularly.

Starter

To commence the meal our guests would be treated to a bowl of cornflakes. As we’re such generous sorts, we will have a range of milk on offer; full fat, normal, extra normal, and, for the lactose intolerant, water will act as a milk substitute. Michael Caine will act as waiter during the evening, dropping one-liners such as, “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!”, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat…”, “I’ll have what she’s having!”, “Iceberg right ahead!”, “I’ll be back”, and, “If it bleeds, we can kill it.” Christian Bale will keep guard throughout the night by hanging from the ceiling.

Main

Beans on toast with a poached egg on top. Guests will have the option of having black pepper with the beans, and they can have the egg raw if they so wish. If anyone refuses the egg, Batman will be forced to perform certain physical enforcement tactics to terrify you into eating it. The beans will, naturally, have been allowed to breath for thirty minutes before being cooked, and every bean will fulfil its destiny (meaning no beans will be left stranded in their respective tin). We will also use reduced sugar and salt variety baked beans, as this is healthier. The bread will be wholemeal and seeded.

On a final note, if any guests sneeze during the main meal Christian Bale will be under strict instructions to detonate the dinner table to rid the local surroundings of germs. We will, consequently, finish the meal in the downstairs bathroom.

You can include milk with your desser if you so wish.

Dessert

The highlight of the evening, our dessert would consist of tinned fruit and spray cream. Any mentions at this point of a lack of effort on our part with the food would be met with stern (and probably violent) interference by Christian Bale and his man muscles. We would point out that the celebrities cost the amount, leaving only £10 for the actual food for the evening. At this point Mr. Wapojif will argue vehemently with the posh woman of the group who claims she cooked her lobster banquet from scratch. Mr. Wapojif will call her a “fuddy duddy” and will get Bale to punch her out cold.

After dinner drinks will be served, de riguer. More bovril, any gravy left from last weekend’s roast, and, as you’re feeling generous, some really nasty ready made coffee warmed up in the microwave. Using this morning’s, now stone cold, batch is a good money saver!

Post-Meal Entertainment

The comical duo of Christian Bale and Michael Caine would return to sign autographs, pose heroically, perform cartwheels, and generally lark about. Once again the guests will be encouraged to pelt the actors with rotten vegetables and eggs. Guests would also be warned to award the night a perfect 10/10, unless they wanted to feel the wrath of Batman’s steely cold grip on their throats during the early hours of the morning.

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