After playing Broforce recently, we realised just how goddamn hypermasculine and testosterone-driven we well and truly are.
As men, we can’t deny our natural inhibitions—to leer at women, pick up heavy things, grunt, and spit at weirdly inappropriate moments.
Want to be like us? Of course you do! So, pick up those dumbbells and oi oi darlin’, here we go!
How to be Hypermasculine
Please note, you don’t just have to be a geezer to go about this. Women are also more than welcome to try and be as obnoxious as they like.
Hypermasculinity is a lifestyle choice. Ultimately, you must aim for the following:
- Excessive gym time—your second home is now the gym. Aim for at least 140 hours a week in the gym, with 120 hours spent bench pressing.
- Grunting—the more you grunt the better.
- Leering at women—dames are there for a reason, after all.
- Drinking protein beverages to beef up.
- Downing pints of beer like a proper geezer.
- Getting into fights (fisticuffs) for no particular reason.
- Bragging about how many dames are hurling themselves at you.
- A bulging vein on your forehead to indicate you’re lifting too many weights (complement this with constipation where possible).
You should also adopt phrases such as “oi oi, darlin’!” to ensure your geezer rating reaches the desired heights.
What are the Benefits of Hypermasculinity?
The main advantage is you no longer need to use chat up lines, as women will naturally hurl themselves at your muscular physique.
This is where your manly excellence will come in handy. For you’ll be able to hurl them off your person without breaking into a sweat.
Other benefits to your macho lifestyle will include:
- No further need to open doors, for you can clobber your way into buildings.
- If anyone “starts” on you, simply flick them to send the individual sprawling.
- Robbing banks becomes much easier.
- You’ll constantly have piles, meaning you have a genuine excuse for skipping work.
- Dames will hurl themselves at you.
- You have a ready excuse to swagger about the beach in only speedos.
Do note, dames and babes will be hanging off your every bulging muscle. Particularly your biceps. As such, there are some disadvantages to being superior to everyone else.
And that is, namely, moving about will become more difficult.
For example, if you’re walking across town to meet your mates, you’ll have a minimum of half a dozen women clinging to you at any given moment. These individuals will also be screaming hysterically.
This can lead to health issues such as:
- Tinnitus and piles.
- Poor timekeeping.
You can dismiss babes by bellowing in manly fashion. At which point some may disperse in terror. You can then charge at them bellowing further if they attempt to return.
However, some may (due to cowardice) call the cops on you.
Should this happen, simply deal with the coppers by pummeling them mercilessly with your mighty man muscles.
Do note, this may result in a lengthy prison sentence. However, being in jail is a manly experience and will add to your overall toughness rating.
Hypermasculinity and Piles
As you’re lifting weights as often as you are, you’ll likely suffer regular issues performing in the bathroom.
One way around this is to take laxatives, enabling you to evacuate your bowels whenever seems manly enough (such as at work in a meeting).
The good news is piles will allow you to perfect your macho grunting abilities.
As such, use the bathroom time to maximise your uncomfortable grunts and wails of dismay. This will be useful for future manly exertion exercises (such as fending off babes).
Is Hypermasculinity Really Just Masculinity in Crisis?
Of course not, only precious snowflakes would think that. And if anyone suggests this to you, punch them violently in the face.
They won’t be coming back for more after that! They’ll be concussed, insensible, or dead.
Do note, either three of those may result in further jail time. Whereupon you add further to your macho rating. It’s a win-win situation, really.
Hypermasculine Words to Use
This lifestyle isn’t just about looking big and scary. You also need to get the macho lexicon spot on, otherwise you’ll look like a bloody pansy.
The following are words and terms you should use to maximise your manly potential.
These combined with your imposing physique will ensure you bag the babes, become rich (probably), and ensure you can casually ignore the crippling constipation issues that’ll come to dominate your every waking moment:
- Oi oi, darlin’!
- You startin’?!
- Where’s the bathroom?
- WHERE’S THE BATHROOM!? (for more panicked occasions)
- Hnnnnnnnn!! (the most effective grunting technique)
- No I won’t pay for that goddamn door, it’s not my fault it’s not big enough for me to fit through. You goddamn pansy tosser.
- You goddamn pansy tosser.