Exclusive: New Interpretations of Cinema’s Classics

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY TOOTH!” says Jack.

There’s a new documentary film just out called Room 237 about how a collection of film fanatics have interpreted Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. If you don’t know of this film, it’s from 1980 and stars Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall. Jack’s character goes a bit mental and he attempts to murder his family, lifts open up and blood gushes everywhere, two girls stand around looking spooky, and it all plays out in a massive mansion in the snow. Here at Professional Moron we’ve never been huge fans of it, perhaps it hasn’t aged too well, but some folk have become rather fanatical indeed. So much so they’ve clearly driven themselves insane from overwatching it; in the documentary fans make increasingly bizarre interpretations, culminating in the brilliantly insane decision that The Shining is actually a message from Kubrick about how he filmed the videos to help fake the 1969 Moon Landing. Indeed.

We’ve got a number of favourite films we’ve become infatuated with, but never have we become convinced, for instance, Disney’s The Lion King was the catalyst for World War II. However, we got to thinking and here are some of our highly rational interpretations of cinema’s classics! I say!

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The Great Escape – Some consider it a war film about POWs. Really the film is an examination about the extinction of the dinosaurs. There’s a bit where Steve McQueen is riding a motorcycle, it’s an iconic scene, and he jumps some barbed wire fencing. Clearly this is mimicking the movements of a Stegosaurus trying to get out of bed on a Monday morning. We rest our case.

Jaws – Steven Spielberg’s enduring classic can be interpreted in many ways. There are some who believe it is about a killer shark on a rampage, others (such as us here at Professional Moron) know the film to be about the success of Spongebob Squarepants. The shark is obviously Patrick, whilst Spongebob is Quint. Roy Scheider is Squidward whilst Richard Dreyfuss is Sandy (the squirrel).

“Welcome to Jurassic *snigger* Bark!”

Jurrasic Park – This romantic comedy pleased audiences the world over in 1993. Dr. Sam Neill falls head over heels in love with a slobbering, 30ft tall T. Rex and the duo live a very peculiar existence on the Jurassic Park island. Obviously the plot centres around Dr. Neill’s attempts to keep this a secret from everyone else, including his pretend girlfriend Laura Dern. Famously, one of the deleted scenes in this film is of Dr. Neill cooking a romantic dinner of dead goat for his mistress.

Bambi – We think it’s fairly obvious this charming, if slightly harrowing, Walt Disney classic is about a killer Alien fleet hiding under the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. The Aliens have been waiting for centuries until they deem it necessary to take over the planet and force human beings to grow really enormous cabbages in huge farms (the Aliens only eat cabbages, you see).

Pulp Fiction – Tarantino’s flick is disturbing propaganda for Communism. You only have to listen to Jules and Vincent talking about the formers’ trip to Europe to understand the sheer brevity of this situation. Marxist dogma drips off every word, and by films end there’s not a single person left unbrainwashed by the viscious LASH of the Communism whip (as held by Indiana Jones).

Silence of the Lambs – In this chilling classic what is actually going on is undercover cop Dr. Hannibal Lecter is trying to prise out the truth from sadistic psychopath Clarice Starling. So, so obvious. He has to be a bit “full on” to get this information (even to the extent of murdering people), but to stop a tyrant like Starling this is just collateral damage.

This is what Darth Vadar would see. No wonder he was always so angry.

Star Wars – This legendary trilogy (there were no prequels starring Natalie Portman) is so obviously about Ferdinand Magellan’s first circumnavigation of the globe. It was actuallty Juan Sebastian Elcano who completed the voyage in 1521 (Magellan was killed during the three year trip), but the Star Wars trilogy pays homage to him in the form of Darth Vadar and co. A fitting tribute.

Lord of the Rings – This series had nothing to do with a ring at all. The ring was merely a metaphor; the film is FILTHY propaganda for Greenpeace. Think about it; saving stuff. Saving the ring. Saving… erm, stuff. We’ve forgotten what the plot is, but we remember there were plenty of massive trees and stuff (some of them even walking, talking trees) so this really should have been called Lord of the Hippies. Jimi Hendrix and Pete Townshend (who are hinted at throughout the trilogy) remain tantalising off screen presences. Pah! Get a job!

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