As it’s Halloween we presume you’ll all be super keen to head out into your local neighbourhood and wreak havoc.
We know we sure as jam will be! However, modern life dictates tricks and treats have to be a bit more, you know, reigned in than they used to be.
For instance, in the past treats used to consist of eight-course banquets, whilst tricks usually involved lots of semtex and shredded limbs. They were merrier days, but such is the recession struck world; one has to keep one’s wallet in check. Quite.
SO! On this Sunday of nearly the end of October 2012 we provide to you, the proletariats, a guide on what you can expect from the Recession Halloween of 2012.
The Great Halloween Treats!
Trick or treating can still be a laugh, y’all! So, never give up! Trust your instincts! Just remember it’s all in the name of good old “fun”… so, no violence whatsoever!
Marmite and Salt Milk
This is an excellent treat for any snotty-nosed little brats who… I mean, adorable little children who turn up on your doorstep.
Marmite, of course, is high in B vitamins to help their brains flourish!
The salt content will also do their growing bones some good (maybe, don’t take that info as fact), and the milk, naturally, contains nutrients of cow.
Bowls of Boiled Cabbage and Ham
is an exciting and healthy treat for any whippersnappers. The thing about cabbage is it’s so versatile. Don’t forget to slather some peanut butter over it all. That’ll put hair on their eyebrows!
Haggis is the ultimate treat for kids waddling about in the cold. Not only is haggis high in fat and salt, it’s also mouth curdling, dry, and gross.
Nothing quite like getting a good dose of reality on a fun night out! Give those kids a vital life lesson—existential dismay.
Lard and Beans
This is a hearty meal enjoyed by many Northern Brits over the last hundred years. Why, you can just imagine George Orwell plopping himself down before writing Animal Farm with a spiffing meal of lard and beans. Super! So pass on the food of geniuses to the brats of today! Hurray!
These look a bit like chocolate-coated raisins. They’re easy to come by (just find a field somewhere) and won’t kill anyone if they are ingested. Everyone’s a winner!
Are pretty cool and they’re really good at digging mud up out of the ground, which is what you can suggest the children do when you hand them out.
Great Halloween Tricks!
Now onto the chaos! That’s the bit we’re really all here for, right? Anarchy!
These are a great way to get revenge on any jaded buggers who don’t treat you with Marmite and Salt Water (read above).
Build a little fort of them outside of someone’s house, then set fire to the house so the occupants have to flee.
As they do so they’ll be, like, “OMG! Where did these cement bags come from? We can’t escape our house!” and it will all end in agony! Pure evil!
Glue is great and has many uses. Gluing yourself to the offenders’ property is a good way to irk someone. Once the fire brigade arrives you can also make it out that it was the house owner who did this to you. Awesome!
High Pitched Screaming
Another sure-fire way to irritate people. Running around their property doing this for a few hours will get the old blood pressure rising and stress veins bulging. Nicely does it, guy.
is certainly going to annoy someone. Stand there doing it and then wipe the results on the front door or, even better, on the person who has just denied you a treat! Awesome! Awesome to the max.
Gargling a mouth wash and then spitting the contents on someone’s doorstep is not only hilarious but disgusting and abhorrent.
But, seeing as it’s Halloween and all, you might as well do this to annoy whoever denies you the loveliness of Marmite and Salt Milk (see above).