Men are often accused of being misogynistic pig dogs. Whilst we fully support this assessment, we (as misogynistic pigs) would like to assert our stupidity with a backlash against feminism.
For, you see, women made a complaint of how they were expected to wear skirts and not trousers.
This being the gender forced into wearing disastrous crinolines for decades. Ho-hum!
This anachronism has long since been dropped, yet men (unless you’re Scottish) aren’t allowed to parade around in skirts. For shame!
Why Male Skirts Are Good
Now, obviously, there are some public decency laws in need of passing before this could be so. On an aesthetic level seeing men’s hairy legs on display everywhere could turn out to be a bit repulsive.
Obviously the skirts industry (and probably fashion in general) would welcome this development, and so we, Professional Moron, would like to put our design ideas forward for the Male Skirt.
Anyone who laughs at this proposal is either; sexist, a communist, or xenophobic. Egads, perhaps all three! So, ladies, you have only yourselves to blame for this development; the Sex and the City era has led to boy power! So, onward comrades!
First a brief history of skirts. They were invented by Genghis Khan a thousand years ago when he felt it was a bit too warm to be wearing the shredded remains of his dead victims.
However, as many of his Mongol warriors laughed at his silly appearance he (after he had slaughtered the dissenters) enforced the curse of the skirt on women. Everyone was a bit sexist back then.
Anyway, over the following generations skirts became the item of choice for subordinate, silly, intellectually challenged women.
However, in the deep dark recesses of the male psyche there lurked the knowledge the Great Khan had once worn a skirt.
This desire hung around for many centuries (the Scottish, being brave noble sorts totally ignored tradition).
It is only recently blokes the world over have begun to embrace their feminine side by baring their hairiness to the world. So, what sort of skirts should football-loving, beer-swilling geezers be wearing?
These will be scented with beer and will have the dashes of blood from rival fans.
A sporty and casual number, they will also reek of BO and will be unsightly and unflattering.
Just like your average football hooligan! Hurrah!
Out On The Lash Skirts
As a man, there’s nothing better than going out and getting mindlessly wasted.
This skirt caters to your night of hedonism with lashings of spare change for the kebab you’ll be buying at the end of the evening.
A colossal stench of beer and tequila will be so repulsive it will steer any interest away from you when you accidentally lurch into a gay bar.
Out On The Pull Skirts
As a man there’s nothing better than going out, getting mindlessly wasted, and trying to pull fit birds.
This skirt is the perfect number for your shenanigans; awash with the stench of aftershave and some bizarre cologne number you think is great, the skirt is also accompanied with trendy chest hair, shaving rash, hair gel, and the overall stench of beer and burger breath. Classy.
There’s nothing quite like lounging around your flat at the weekend whilst nursing a massive great big hangover.
As a lad you’ll want a few copies of FHM to be lying about, so these skirts will have the FHM logo blazoned into them to remind you to “read” your favourite magazine.
Obviously, you’ll never need to wash these skirts, so a stench of BO is necessary, as is the overall reek of a fry up, cigarette smoke, and aftershave.
Meeting Her Parents Skirts
So your relationship with her has reached that stage—it’s time to meet her parents.
Obviously, you’re going to need your best skirt for this occasion, so you must wear the most fancy skirt you can find.
It comes free with a bottle of cheap bucks fizz to impress the parents and a collection of witty aphorisms such as, “I knew I loved your daughter when I saw her naked. for the first time!” will help promote your intellectual prowess.
So the big moment has arrived! You’re going to propose to your bird and you need to look really fit! So, don your Proposal Skirt.
Naturally, these will be stinking of BO. You’re so nervous you’ve sweated yourself silly so, with built-in perspiration glands, your skirt will drip real sweat (this will be provided by donkeys)!
Remember, you’re an amazing, dead fit catch! Now for the years of sitting around on a sofa drinking lager!