Halloween: How To Be Terrifying

The Sun’s fairly scary, mind you it’s the only reason we’re all alive. We love you Sun!

So it’s Halloween at LAST! Huzzah! Rejoice for 24 hours and then it’s another year long wait until you can be all terrifying again. It’s important, then, that you make the most out of this day. This is where Professional Moron enters the fray. Indeed. “Once more into the fray, dear friends!” Sir Bob Geldof chirruped.

Anyway, staying on topic we’d like to indicate that it’s a not obligatory to dress up on this here Halloween day. No never. However, if you wish to be erudite about such a matter you must at least dally with the proles once in order to be able to write about it. This is why, last week, our very own Mr. Wapojif dressed up as a blood red donkey with a sleepy eye in order to go Trick or Treating. He ended up being arrested. Regardless, he now knows about the subject and will impart his knowledge. Behold!

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We (as in Mr. Wapojif – me) have to state the whole donkey thing went down very badly. No one was scared – most folk just laughed. Using my immense powers of rationale I figured what done and done this bad is how I went with the typical way of things what society usually goes and does. “Cliché” I think is the word. So this little selection of atypical madness should be enough to terrify the eyebrows off of everyone’s faces. Mwaaahahahahahahaaaaaa!

Now this is scary!

Dribble – Let’s face it, if you’re ever near someone who starts to dribble you want to know why. Actually, you’d rather just get away from the person. So, dribbling profusely in the company of folk you don’t know too well will up the terror factor enormously. Mumbling occasional phrases such as, “Hur hurr…  bleach…” whilst picking your ears with a finger will go down super well.

Laugh Hysterically – Wandering about the place laughing heartily to yourself is a real terror inducer. Occasionally abruptly stop, lean forward, and strike your legs with your fists as you shriek with laughter. Do this in front of old age pensioners to really hammer home how society is slowly imploding.

Wear Really Old Socks – The stench of your stupid feet will be enough to do away with any heathens fairly swiftly. I say!

Ingenious Cigarette Smoking – Walk up to someone you don’t know (it can be a group of people, or just one) and loudly announce, “I am going to enjoy a smoke!”. Proceed to jam a cigarette up a spare nostril and light it. Attempt to smoke as normally until you collapse on the floor coughing violently.

Sellotape Yourself To Your Friend’s Property – In front of friends, or whatever, at a Halloween party proceed to sellotape yourself to the house owner’s toilet. Whenever anyone needs the bathroom you, of course, will be very much evident in proceedings. As soon as someone enters the bathroom began singing hymns and/or death chants and strain violently to try and break free from your bonds. Should be enough to terrify anyone.

Announce You’ve Joined A Weird Cult – Head into ultra serious mode to worry your friends, then announce you’ve joined some bizarre cult and you want everyone to join you. You can make up what the cult is, although we suggest the Death To Aliens cult. This is a militant alien hatred brigade who are hell bent on eradicating aliens. Activities include constructing spaceships from cardboard boxes with the intention of going to invade and destroy all in DTA‘s path. First stop, The Moon! Next up, Jupiter!

Pretend To Have Rabies – You’ll need lots of froth for this, and some form of convincing animalistic wail. Leaping around the place and lashing out furiously at anyone is likely to shove a bit of good old horror into everyone’s life! Ah, the fun!

Insist On Carrying A Very Sharp Butcher’s Knife Around With You – If anyone looks alarmed when they see you with this just smile reassuringly and announce, “Don’t worry, this is just for later tonight when the Killer Donkey Nazis invade our town hell bent on destroying us all!”

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