The Best Insults You’ve Never Heard

You know, sometimes it’s just fun to beat the crap out of each other.

As William Shakespeare once opined, “If one can thoust insult one’s nearest enemy, then one’s nearest friend will chuckle heartily. Thus, in consequence, thoust will feel pretty ace, whilst heathen shallst suffer insufferable agony of sufferable defeat.” Translated into normal English, this means if you do a proper good verbal insult you’ll feel pleased about yourself, whilst your oponent will feel a bit crap. This is, of course, based on verbal insults. If you wish to be brutish and stupid you can still, naturally, resort to physical violence such as punching and kicking. Headbutting’s always seemed a bit of a weird one in the Professional Moron office. It’s the sort of ridiculously stupid Alpha Male form of violence (you’d expect Begbie from Trainspotting to be good at it) only Alpha Males could find relevant in any way. Surely it must really bloody hurt all involved? I say!

Anyway, if you want some great new sayings for your repertoire then you really, really, really might find the following list of reasonable interest. If not, then, why should we care? Or, indeed, why would be care? We’re morons! Onwards, Macduff!

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*NB: For the following insults we’ve decided to focus on the idea of it being a man being outraged by another man. You can place “sir” with madam or anything else you desire for your purposes. So, no, we are not sexist, hegemonic, or xenophobic. We are, however, quite hideously dangerous!

The Upper Class Insult – “You, sir, are the most ridiculous buffoon one has ever had the misfortune to happen upon! I do not dip one’s hat to you! Indeed, one regards one with contempt. Just as one has an far prettier trophy wife than you it does not mean I am richer or more successful! I may, sir, be 82 and as attractive as a dead rat, but I am still as handsome as the handsomest man since time began! Away with you, good sir!”

The Middle Class Insult – “Well… I… NEVER! You, sir, cannot accuse me of stealing your motor vehicle, sir! I was merely checking the interior, sir, to see if I could use aforementioned decor for potential use for one’s motor vehicle. I say, sir, it is barbaric enough, indeed, to initiate such a discourse with one’s revered self! Do you not know who I am? I, sir, run the family butchers shop downtown. Sir, we have the finest pork in all of Lancashire, but you, sir, shan’t be having any. Good day!”

The Working Class Insult – “I say! Should you bally well desire to brawl with oneself you’ll receive a smashing bloody great big boot in your groin, dear sir! You may not bloody well accuse me of eating your beans on toast whilst one was out in the street using the latrine! How dare you, sir! You stand there, with your trousers still wrapped around your ankles, accusing one, foul deviant sir, of stealing another gentleman’s dinner? For shame!”

“I say!”

The Tom Cruise Insult (this only works if you’re Tom Cruise) – “Rather! Sir, just because one considers the notion of Scientology being correct, one does not believe one has the right or unright to defend one’s own inability to understand or know what one is saying. One is far too handsome, sir, to have to answer troublesome issues with the notions one so enjoys. Indeed, for it is veritable to note how you, sir, do not have the capacity to quote to me a line from Shakespeare. Behold! ‘For, t’was in the summer of ’64, how one did, sir, note the duly unnotable prospect of the wig I would never have to wear.’ For , sir, we all know one if far too young and pretty to go bald! Now, good sir, away with you and convert to my faith!”

The Student Insult – “Dear sir, just as one is a student this does not mean one is a layabout who believes themself to be beyond the consistent norms of a social structure. Indeed, one is most pertinently aware of one’s restrictions with intellect. Quite. It is evident in one’s dress, sir! Behold these skinny jeans, and this androgynous hairdo, and these winkle picker shoes, and these thick rimmed glasses! Does this not to you reek of an untapped intellect? Well, sir, I put it to you how one has ridden the wave of common perceptions to only discover how Coldplay are the best band ever. Rather!”

The ‘Which Sandwich Is Best’ Argument Insult – “Sir, you happen to pronounce your sandwich to be best? On such a basis? I laugh heartily at your vacuous claim, sir, and put it to you your sandwich could not, no never, be the best sandwich as it has gone mouldy, sir, and has maggots festering in it. Why, look at mine in comparison, sir! Tis but a statue of etiquette of sandwich! The mayonnaise is even still fresh, sir! So, I put it to you, indeed, that one is in the posession of a rubbish sandwich! Rather!”

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