“SHIVER ME TIMBERS! Pieces of eight! May he walk the plank! Yaharrrr, matey, I be a pirate! Avast yee, matey!” These are but a few of the demands of being a pirate; you have to go around announcing this entire preamble, often in one giant, protracted sentence. It is a disease known as Piracy and there is only one known cure – Parrots. And why would a feathery bird save a bunch of blaggards out on the oceans trying to fend off the horrors of scurvy? The wages were really good, innit.
Parrots are lively looking birds with remarkable plumage. They are usually red, blue, or black as the entrance of HELL! Not that they are evil birds, but they do have a capacity to, you know, be a bit annoying. When not squawking they say stuff such as “Hello!” or, if you really, really strain yourself, they can learn a few obscenities. However, it’s more than likely a myth that they used to perch dutifully on a pirate captain’s shoulder. “How so is this a myth?”, you gurgle. Well when you take into consideration the rampant starvation voyages to sea used to produce, we doubt a feathery, plump bird would have lasted very long. Indeed. What isn’t a myth is that parrots were in fact great pirates in their own respect and many controlled the high seas in a more despicable way than Blackbeard and co. Read on for this great historical unveiling!
Captain Big Beak
Famed for his extraordinary bursts of extreme violence, Captain Big Beak rode the waves like a donkey eats grass. Which is to say he had a habit of missing really useful bits of grass, like where the dandelions were growing. Not that we have anything against dandelions as they are very good for you when you drink them as a tea (this is a fact), but donkeys are supposed to tend a field like a lawn mower would. And they don’t. This is how Captain Big Beak was; inept.
Famously Big Beak once made his entire crew walk the plank after his favourite selection of seeds went missing. With all of his crew dead he realised he could have done with them to steer his ship. Drifting on the oceans for the rest of eternity, it is said that Captain Big Beak still floats aimlessly on the ocean to this day. Should you run into him out on the open ocean, just fling some pine nuts in his direction to assuage that burning anger.
A notoriously insane pirate, Captain SQUAWK!!!! descended into madness at an early age. His loss of sanity is believed to have brought on by a lack of walnuts, although as many of his rambling diary entries cannot be viewed as a reliable source. All accounts have thusly been pieced together from his surviving crew members, and his unfortunate wife, Bruce.
At the peak of his lunacy Captain SQUAWK!!!! is said to have set fire to his ship in order to see if it could withstand the onslaught of flames. With this self-immolation complete he is said to have announced, simply, “Yes. It is.” Other records indicate he enjoyed setting fire to the ship’s food supply as well as himself. He died of burn wounds. His final words are believed to have been, “I am a talking carrot!”
Captain Hello, Hello, Pieces of Eight!
Known for his general stupidity, Hello, Hello, Pieces of Eight! was very fond of not doing very much at all. His ship, The Merry Damsel, floated about the oceans offering weary human sailors parrots as shoulder companions.
Captains Mr. and Mrs. Yellow Face
These two were a legendary bickering odd couple who were often laughed at and derided by their crew. Over the years this forced them into such a frenzy that they ultimately snapped and denied the daily rations of pumpkin seeds to their crew. A mutiny ensued and was followed by a weeklong riot, during which the pumpkin seeds went overboard in the melee. This resulted in a mass panic, and it was as this unfolded that the ship’s cannons were accidentally detonated in unison. This caused the ship to suffer structural damage, and further waves of terror struck the crew. It is said the manic squawking of parrots could be heard for miles around and, if you listen closely at night, the cacophony can still be heard on the wind.