There was a time during the Age of Discovery (see Over the Edge of the World) where sailors would succumb to scurvy.
It’s rare these days (as most people aren’t sailors). But you can still catch this illness. And here’s our guide to not catching it. Apt, eh?
Disclaimer: We’re incompetent losers spouting gibberish. Please ignore all of our bad advice as it’s dangerously misinformed.
Dear Dr. Moron. I’m a student and think something awful has happened! Due to higher education costs in England, I’ve been living off Bovril for the last three months. And now I’m pretty sure I have scurvy. My teeth are wobbling. My gums are bleeding. I’m exhausted. And old wounds are opening up and seeping this horrible black stuff! What do I do to stop this onslaught?! Yours sincerely, Oliver
Hi there, Oliver. For a start, calm down you precious Millennial snowflake. What you’re describing isn’t scurvy at all.
It’s obvious you’re simply severely constipated. And all the “gunk” (to provide a family-friendly explanation, as opposed to writing “shit”, “crap”, or “poo poo”) is backing up in your system.
So, you’re busting at the seams with effluence. Which is why old wounds are bursting open and your teeth are being forced out of your gums.
Don’t panic. Constipation is merely a state of mind and you need to grow out of it—like wetting the bed or acne.
You need mental conditioning. A spell in the army and reading The Daily Mail for months on end would do you the world of good.
However, there are a few other steps you can follow. They may be agonisingly painful, but they’ll cure your constipation once and for all.
Tips for Alleviating Scurvy (aka Constipation)
Turning to The Madness of King George for some advice, we can suggest the following remedies:
- Cupping/blistering: Searing hot glass (cupping) applied to your extremities to force the humors out of your body. It’s horrifyingly painful. But works well (for 1/10 cases of scurvy).
- Bloodletting: Slicing an arm open and letting you bleed out for a bit until you faint. It’s for your own good.
- Stool studying: Examining your bowel movements to understand the nature of your issues (i.e. It’s probably got something to do with your poor diet).
If the above don’t work, you may need to consider drinking TCP each morning. Or registering for cognitive behaviour therapy so you can get this delusion out of your mind.
Should your belief of scurvy persist, we can recommend you section yourself in a mental hospital and read One Flew Over Cuckoo’s Nest.
This’ll help you to understand you’re out of your mind and you just need to be made of harder stuff.
Scurvy is a lie and you need to rehabilitate before you rejoin society, whereupon we recommend you join the Anti-Scurvy Society.
This consists of thousands of scurvy deniers intent on spreading the truth around the world.
You’ll receive important support there and network with fellow recovering lunatics. All the best, Oliver.