Exclusive Recipe: Cake on Toast

An epic looking cake. Wicked.

After the success of our inaugural recipe “Marmite Cake” the other week we thought we should come up with something new and amazing. Yes, this also involves cake, but who is to argue with that? Everyone loves cake and, frankly, anyone who doesn’t should be mercilessly whipped with a poisonous snake. Not that we condone animal violence, so use one of those plastic toy snakes. Smear a load of rat poison over its head and you have one nasty toy! You go girl!

Also, please keep rat poison away from your food. Really, the last thing you need to be doing is eating that stuff. Unless loss of bowel control is your thing. And death. Other than that rat poison doesn’t really serve any purposeful… purpose. Even the rats hate it! But, anyway, we have meandered like an ancient stream. Cake on Toast is our recipe of the day! Read on for more instructions (really, use your brains, this isn’t too complex a recipe. Think of beans on toast and you’re almost there).

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There are three simple steps to this recipe and they are below this rambling nonsense. This is quite an easy thing to make – even Silly the Simpleton would be able to manage it. Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif invented this landmark food thing after he struck his head violently on an iPod. After he emerged from hospital this was the first thing he insisted making. All hail Mr.Wapojif!

Cake

Ancient cake!

What is cake? It looks like the thing above. That is cake. This is clearly some picture of a cake from hundreds of years ago. This leads us nicely to a little segment on the history of cake; ancient cakes (yes, even more ancient than the one above) tended to be disc shaped. Perhaps in ancient Rome there was a Cake Tossing competition, with the victor eating the cakes at the end. GENUINE FACT ALERT: The word “cake” itself descends from the Vikings. Cool, eh? The Old Norse word “kaka” is where “cake” was derived from. Insert your toilet humour joke of preference here.

Toast

Toast.

Toast is also pictured above. It is bread what has gone and gotten itself a tan. There is an old adage which laments sods law; buttered toast landing buttered side down on the ground. Clearly, at this stage of human evolution, worrying about this impossible disaster is far greater than, for instance, evolving better joints so we don’t get arthritis. Indeed, the whole issue has spawned the Buttered Cat Paradox. Cats, apparently, always land on their feet. If one attached buttered bread to a cat, would the fabric of reality implode? Probably. The sporadic nature of the human mind, however, will no doubt reject the occasions of buttered bread landing in the appropriate manner (non-buttered side down), such is the nature of selective memory. It is far better to adhere to popular notions that one is cursed by breaded confectionary and dairy products than to admit you’ve just been struck by a stroke of bad luck.

Cake on Toast

Heyyo, Mr. Squirrel!

Indeed. The final product. Now you may have noticed the above picture is not of; cake, toast, cake or toast, or cake on toast. As we’re breaking new recipe ground here there just wasn’t a picture of any cake on toast, so we used our initiative and came up with this sensational photograph of a squirrel looking a bit startled. Anyway, the general idea is to “cook” your bread up so it turns into toast, then thrust some cake onto it. Voila! Cake on Toast.

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