Revealed: When Santa got stuck up the Chimney

Santa in 1855. He was a lot slimmer back then, see.
Santa in 1855. He was a lot slimmer back then, see.

Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif suddenly recalled (AS IT’S CHRISTMAS, ALRIGHT?!?!?) the old Christmas song of Santa Claus getting his fat backside stuck up some poor bugger’s chimney. Once stuck Father Christmas then begins to panic, shrieking about “girls and boys not getting any toys”, he also mentions issues about his beard being black, soot in his sack, and his tickly nose (we presume he was hallucinating at this point), before sneezing “atchoo, atchoo, atchoo!”. The second segment of the song thing goes like this, verbatim: “When Santa got stuck up the chimney/ He began to yell/ Oh hurry please it’s such a squeeze/ My sack is stuck as well/ Oh dear oh dear it’s cold up here/ And Rudolph’s nose is blue/ When Santa got stuck up the chimney/Atchoo! Atchoo! Atchoo!”.

Now anyone who reads our blog regularly will know we’re a cynical, jaded, bitter, potentially insane bunch, but for the record we’d like to defend our right to be grumpy old men, even though Mr. Wapojif is only 28. In this frame of mind we’d like to point out how fundamentally flawed the whole song is. For a start, why didn’t Santa bring with him some form of chimney extraction unit? Or, why not lose some weight? Honestly, he has all year long to get himself trim and instead all he does is remain obese. And then there’s Rudoplh’s nose going blue. This is animal cruelty. No, no, no… none of this is adding up towards a nice image of Father Christmas. Santa; he deserves to be in jail. Ho ho ho! Off with his head!

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