We don’t watch much TV here at Professional Moron. We do, however, have some really cool ideas for where the world’s soap operas could go on increasingly believable and dramatic. If you’re a script writer who has run out of ideas (the old Writer’s Block) then you may use any of the following concepts (so long as you ATTRIBUTE US FULLY!!!!!!) in any of the (usually) utterly dire soaps what go and get blasted out of our television screens across the world. In England this means; Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale (formerly Emmerdale Farm), Eldorado, Brookside zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… elsewhere, Home and Away. Erm… yeah. We hate soap operas.
Anyway, if you like them then GREAT! And you can expect plenty of our plot developments in future episodes. Excited? You most certainly bloody well should be! Read on good sir/madam!
Plot development: An enormous shipment of soap crash lands into the selected soap opera world (this can be a boat/plane/truck accident – or all three in a, sort of, soap apocalypse) causing despair and a chance for some bad acting. Is Equilibrium Ever Restored?: Yes, and everyone gets free soap into the bargain! Obligatory Sub-Plot: Jeffrey the dog goes missing – eventually found on the Moon with Elvis. Realism’o’Meter: 6/10.
Plot development: A bacillus plague outbreak. Is Equilibrium Ever Restored?: Obligatory Sub-Plot: John the local butcher accidentally hacks his leg off with his butcher’s knife and is forced to attach a cow limb to his stump in order to waddle his way to hospital Realism’o’Meter: 8/10.
Plot development: Everyone starts impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger for no reason. Is Equilibrium Ever Restored?: No, the series remains like this forever. Obligatory Sub-Plot: Little Johnny the cheeky little kid popular around he neighbourhood comes down with tourettes syndrome, thusly forcing him to perpetually reel off Big Arnie’s most famous quotes; “I’ll be back!”, “Pasta la vista, baby!”, “If it bleeds, we can kill it!” etc. Realism’o’Meter: 5/10.
Plot development: It’s Christmas time, but the town burns down to the ground following an unfortunate incident in a Fish and Chips shop. Is Equilibrium Ever Restored?: Yes, the town rebuild the town out of battered cod. Obligatory Sub-Plot: Battle axe Barbara doesn’t like fish and so revolts during the rebuilding; she starts making her house out of corned beef. The others find out and she is punished by being whipped seventy times with a tuna sandwich. Realism’o’Meter: 4/10.
Plot development: In a bout of bad luck, the town is struck by the sudden outbreak of rabies AND scurvy. Is Equilibrium Ever Restored?: Yes, all the animals and blasted into space in Rabies Units, whilst an enormous import of oranges cures the scurvy. Obligatory Sub-Plot: Many of the screaming brats refuse to eat icky fruit, so they are also blasted into space in Screaming Brat Units. Realism’o’Meter: 10/10.
Plot development: The town drunk decides it’s time to assassinate the Mayor. Is Equilibrium Ever Restored?: Yes, the town drunk tries to stab the Mayor with a chocolate bar, mistakenly believing it to be a samurai sword. His devious plot effectively fails. Obligatory Sub-Plot: The local pub landlord in the social central of the town’s pub decides to start serving a new type of, homemade, beer. His pub is shut down after breaching numerous international laws. Semtex is illegal, you see. Realism’o’Meter: 7/10.