Yes, Big Arnie is taking a break from politics to concentrate on his acting career! This means he’s back in 2013 in a violent (way to not become typecast, Arnold!) action flick with guns, explosions, one liners, and bulging man muscles. Now say what you like about his acting chops but the guy has actually made some very good movies (believe it or not) if you like action films with a certain lunacy to them. Back in the ’80s and early ’90s the name Schwarzenegger was enough to put diarrhea into the trousers of anyone who watched The Terminator before they were mentally mature.
Nowadays Big Arnie is busy bossing human beings about with his political prowess. Now it’s worth nothing Big Arnie was a millionaire before he even began his acting career; just because he has a silly accent and a sillier surname it doesn’t mean he was lacking in business acumen. His business earned him his money when he was in his early twenties. Cabbages? Anyway, these are the films we wish he HAD been in. Oh my, what a treat it would have been!
The King’s Speech
Colin Firth did a decent job and all that, but wouldn’t it have been much more memorable with the big man himself as the lead? If the film had been upped to an 18 and had far more explosions in it then we could imagine Big Arnie pulling this one off. He’d also be more adept at dealing with those who criticised his stuttering; one mighty bash with an arm and, before long, everyone would be pretending he didn’t even stutter. Problem solved.
Big Arnie, starring as Poppins, has to eradicate London of cockney geezers. His weapon of choice? His bare knuckled muscle man power (and assorted weapons of mass destruction)! Just think of him reeling of “Chim Chimney Cheeroo” in his strong Austrian accent, whilst juggling severed human heads and setting buildings on fire with a flame thrower. Good lessons in life for kids, we think.
The Last of the Mohicans
Daniel Day-Lewis may have spent numerous months out in the woods training for this role, but why bother? He didn’t need to star in this film at all. Michael Mann should have just cast Schwarzenegger and fitted him out with a colossal machine gun. Granted the film wouldn’t have been quiet as romantic and/or dramatic, but the gore factor would have gone through the roof! And isn’t that what we really want from films?
Lord of the Rings
Okay so this was three films, but Big Arnie really should have played Frodo Baggins. Elijah Wood was alright, but what a sissy name he’s got! Middle Earth and the evil cohorts of Orcs, white wizards, and other weird beasts, would have had a much tougher time of it had Arnold Schwarzenegger been available for the part of Frodo. We think it would have really worked! “My precious… I’ll be back!”
Imagine how much more fun it would have been if you had Arnold’s relaxing tones instead of Leonardo DiCaprio’s plain English! It would have been stunning! One of the most complex plots in recent film history would have been rendered far more understandable (and accessible for idiots, such as chavs) with his dulcet voice and psychotic violence. Dream, within a dream, within a dream, within a dream? You wouldn’t even need to enter a dream with Big Arnie! Boom!