What Would History’s Lunatics Have Knitted?

Tree Pants, as first designed by the creative genius Attila The Hun. During one of his less murderous phases, obviously.

Knitting was invented by dinosaurs 100 million years ago and, since then, it’s become synonymous with old age pensioners and jumpers, but of late the internet boom has since lots of groovy sites spring up with knitting ideas and guides. Suddenly, knitting is cool. It’s cool for a number of reasons to do with fashion, being productive and artistic, and saving moolah. It’s great fun (we should think – sadly we don’t know how to knit here at Professional Moron), cool, and its history is as rich as you can imagine. Just imagine when T. Rex knitted himself a woolly jumper for Christmas! That would have been awesome to see. Plus, imagine a great big friendly Stegosaurus in a fluffy old bobble hat. *Giggle snort guffaw* Oh, man, those thymes were just so much more fun! Still, at least we don’t have to put up with giant, annihalting meteorties.

Anyway, we’ve no doubt that many of history’s maniacs will have knitted something in their quieter moments. Indeed, many useful pieces of destructive weaponry could be knitted to make things to assist their respective missions to rule the world. So we took a look at historic records to discover just what knitting creativity they mad gits had in them. The results… are… surprising. Onward, comrade!


Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan’s first ever bike.

We reckon Genghis, famous for obliterating his way from Asia through Europe (literally obliterating – this including eradicating an entire civilization at one point just as he was a bit miffed), was very pleased with his invention; the bicycle. It was bound to accelerate him across the Mongolian Steppe fast and true. Unfortunately he made a knitted version and it didn’t really work very well, so he went on a destructive, world conquering killing spree. Hurrah!

Vlad the Impaler

Attila showing off his cute side.
Vlad showing off his cute side.

Vlad, a psychotic, bloodlust driven madman, did have his cuddly side. He liked to fashion small animals to delight his mates with, although as many of them were just plain old bloodthirsty it didn’t really have the desired effect. Still, many of his designs have survived for thousands of years and were renovated by teams of old women in 1955.


An elephant with a jumper. Ja!
An elephant with a jumper. Ja!

It turns out the Roman Empower (a famous nutcase) probably went mad due to lead poisoning from sweeteners added to wine at the time. Being a raving drunk, he poisoned himself sufficiently to become mentally unstable, and took out his maniacal demands on his unfortunate subjects.

He also took up knitting, but as he was a bit unstable he came up with some really odd stuff. Legendarily, he would stitch jumpers for pet elephants. The picture above is a tribute to this insane habit.

Attila The Hun

One of Attila's "Tree Pant" designs. Cosy.
One of Attila’s “Tree Pant” designs. Cosy.

Attila was greatly concerned with nature and was often worried about the trees. Fearing they may be a bit cold, he commissioned someone to come up with Tree Pants. Unfortunately not many of his men were as creatively brilliant as Attila, and in his fury at their stupidity he had at least seven hundred of his men catapulted into the side of a mountain.

Taking on the task himself, he spent two years knitting several thousand individual Tree Pants out of coloured wool. It’s a tradition still in practice to this day (by idiots who think trees get cold)!

Alexander The Great

One of Alexander's designs. Lovely.
One of Alexander’s designs. Lovely.

Alexander bigged himself up as a deity. Handsome, dashing, super smart, clean shaven, and very violent. He was also a bit of a tyrant, and a notorious knitting addict. As it turns out, if he found some of his fellow soldiers to be too ugly/good looking for his liking, he would knit them balaclava type things to wear on their head. Thusly his superiority was maintained. If any of his men so much as complained he would detonate several hundred pounds of semtex on their head. By ‘eck, guv.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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