Exclusive: Fish Food Controversy Exposé!

Not any more! “Britsh Fish (but not the type you might expect) And Fat Sticks.”

Okay, so the other month we did a number of posts on the horsemeat/burger scandal as, frankly, we found it pretty amusing. We also ran a piece on a guy freaking out as he found a weird bit of chicken in his KFC… we’re sure the chemicals and trans fats made up for it, guy. Now, however, it turns out some Fish & Chips shops in the UK may well not have been using the type of fish expected. Indeed, cod’s the popular choice but, as it’s being overfished and in dwindling supply, it’s too pricy. So cheaper fish has been used in cod’s place (such as Jackson Pollock, and horsemeat), which has utterly outraged the English again. We’re a nation of fussy eaters with severe psychological problems with food, and the concept of getting one fish instead of the other is too much! Never mind the fat you’re stuffing into your face as your eat the fish, it’s the damn COD they’re worried about as it’s incinerated in 100 degree boiling fat. Not that the government can tackle this, of course, as once they try anything they’re met with the vacuous brigade and their “DON’T TELL US HOW TO LIFE OUR WIFE! Er, LIFE!” and all that.

Now food hygiene is important but in this instance we don’t really care what fish we’re eating. It’s fish. It’s battered, and slathered in gravy, ketchup, and chips. Yet, as consumers in this capitalist regime, we got to finking; “You snow… what other things out there are not the things we fink they is?” So we’ve come up with a few conspiracy theories. Huzzah!

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Döner Kebab Is Actually Big Foot’s Foot

Big Foot's foot.
Big Foot’s foot.

Want to know why there’s no real evidence of Big Foot? As all the Big Feet live in giant farms underground the government maintain. Not even the press know about these farms, but this is where all the Döner meat really comes from. Disgraceful, right? Once the Big Foot has its feet hacked off, the government attaches bionic rocket booster feet to each Big Foot. At this stage they promptly blast out of the Earth’s atmosphere and take up residence on the Moon to live happily ever after.

Milk Is Melted Down Toothpaste

Milk with my Cornflakes!
Milk with my Cornflakes!

Most people have drunkered milk at one point or another. Whether it be on thy Cornflakes, or in thy milk, or in thy Roast Dinner (we all make mistakes) milk remains one of the most popular, versatile, and angry ingredients on Earth. And it comes from cows, right? Wrong! Milk is actually melted down toothpaste with the minty taste removed through a process called Milk Removal. The melted down paste is then labelled as Milk and shipped off across the globe. Those corporate scoundrels!

Toothpaste Is Melted Down Chalk

This is your toothpaste!
This is your toothpaste!

Yet… where does the toothpaste come from? Yeah, it’s chalk. That’s right. Chalk was, and still is in some places, the popular implement one would use to write on chalkboards in class, or up on the chalk board if you’re a teacher from a certain generation. These days it’s all computer whizz wham, thusly there is plenty of spare chalk to melt down until it’s a sort of squidgy thing. Mint flavouring is thusly added, and that’s what your toothpaste is. Gross, eh?

Jam Is Mashed Up Maggots

A maggot.
A maggot.

You may think strawberries, and other berries, make up the wonder that be jam. And why a wonder? As jam makes up many memories from many childhoods through history. It’s tasty and versatile, and you can throw it at people if you want. However, berries have nothing to do with this preserve. It’s actually maggots getting splatted up in great big Maggot Splatting Machines. The maggot juice is then blasted out into jars where artificial flavouring and colouring takes place. This may seem disgusting but, really, I am not stopping eating jam.

Cheese Is Radioactive Rock

A radioactive isotope? No. It's cheese!
A radioactive isotope? No. It’s cheese!

Cheese, you may think, is milk that’s gone off a bit and is all tasty, especially when melted. Indeed, you’re wrong. Cheese is actually ancient radioactive rock from the meteorite what done and killed off the dinosaurs. The government store all this in massive containers that hover above the Earth. It’s taken some 65 million years for the cheese to be free of fatal radioactive levels, so now it’s being shipped down to us like the suckers we are.

See this, government? WE HATE YOU!

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