Nuclear Apocalypse? We Prefer Kittens

A Grand Piano in the abandoned town of Pripyat (which is next to the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant).

It’s only in recent human history the terrible threat of nuclear chaos has reared its ugly head. The American’s decision to bomb Japan in 1945 may have ended the horror of World War II, but it opened up the Cold War and the constant dread of a nuclear apocalypse. This wasn’t at all helped by the staggering awfulness of the Chernobyl Disaster on April 26th 1986. The Russian government’s solution to the radiation problem was to construct an enormous lead lined containment unit around Reactor 4 (where the infamous meltdown occurred). This cost them some 18 billion roubles, but the real issue was in constructing the thing. Workers could only be around the reactor for 2 minutes at a time before having to leg it to safety, as any longer and the radiation would have killed them in hours. Worse still, the explosion at Reactor 4 had blasted debris onto the roof of Reactor 3. The debris was severely radiated, yet it was (rather disturbingly) left to 3,600 brave young men to take shifts of 2 minutes at a time to clear the roof of the vast mess. Most were only up there, during the fortnight long operation, for a total of 10 minutes, yet the result was devastating for them.

Tens of millions of people across the globe have been affected by the disaster, so have the world’s leaders learnt anything? Not really, as we’re finding out in North Korea right now. Not that they’re the only perpetrators of course, as globally it’s believed (according to March 2013’s World Nuclear Stockpile Report) there are around 17, 300 nuclear warheads on the planet, with Russia and America as the worst offenders. “By ‘eck…” springs to mind. And this figure has actually dropped by just over 6,000 since 2009. There’s progress for you. If they all went off at once there would only be Honey Badgers and the indestructible Keith Richards left. So what’s the solution? We have an idea, and it involves staring at kittens.

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The problem here is the 99.999% of the world’s 7 billion people don’t have any control over the nuclear situation, whereas our politicians do. Another problem is many of our politicians tend to have a habit of being one of the following; a bit thick, psychotic, devious, insane, an egomaniac, obstinate, narcissistic, under duress, or misanthropic. And so, like bumble bees, we have to get on with our lives and just hope they don’t do anything stupid. Most of us just block this out and merrily get on with things on the wonderful planet Earth. 0.0001% want to stockpile the damn things just for the sake of political posturing.

We totally hope this one's called Frank.
We totally hope this one’s called Frank.

Kittens are the solution, frankly. Why, who can resist the playful cuteness of a kitten? Lollipops are also pretty good, as are lazy Sunday afternoons. You could still have the latter during nuclear fallout, of course, it’s just you’d have mutated into a gargantuan version of yourself and have the Super Power to lounge about feeling nauseous. If someone could just hand these things out to politicians across the globe we’d, possibly, have a better chance of making it to 2050 without a massive hole in the Earth and radiation careering around like it’s a very annoying new best friend. As John Lennon once said, “Give peace a chance.” As Begbie in Trainspotting once roared, “YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!! *Kicks man in the testicles*”. Now we’re not Hippies by any stretch of the imagination, but we do think this is getting so very tiring and predictable, and yet it’s always us (the scumbag proles) who pay for the stupidity of our maniacal leaders. Still, at least kittens are cute.

If anyone dared call this kitten "Patchy" they would be forced to eat mud for a year.
If anyone dared call this kitten “Patchy” they would be forced to eat mud for a year.

We apologise for the glum post today. Mr. Wapojif just wanted a rant. Normal service shalleth be resumedeth tomorroweth.

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