What To Do During A Thunderstorm

“Lightning striking the Eiffel Tower, June 3, 1902, at 9:20 P.M. This is one of the earliest photographs of lightning in an urban setting In.” Innit geez, bling bling.

So despite it being mid-May here in Manchester, today we had hail storms, high winds, rain, lightning bolts, and very loud rumbles of thunder. This is what’s known, in the scientific community, as “unseasonal weather”. Considering this time last week it was so sunny and warm Mr. Wapojif, for the first time in 7 months, didn’t need to wear a coat (he usually dons one of those MASSIVE overcoats you used to see Scully and Mulder wearing in The X-Files) and instead frolicked about in SKINNY JEANS looking like a Hipstered up giraffe. Was it wicked, boys and girls? No it ruddy well wasn’t, idiots! Nowadays Mr. Wapojif has reverted to wearing reserved baggy jeans, baggy jumper, and baggy hair (as soon as it grows back following his hair cut).

Many people still brick themselves during thunderstorms. Back in olden thymes folk used to think it was their god getting a bit miffed off – these days we know it’s all down to The Flying Spaghetti Monster messing up its timing and the pot boils over rains down on the Earth! Cue destroyed spaghetti and angry customers. Boo hoo, angry customers! We have to deal with thunderous bolts of electricity. We didn’t sign up for any of this, blud. Anyway, rambling aside, just how do you survive a thunderstorm? Read on, fellow Morons, to find out.


Get Suicidal #1 – Take a Picture!

This is what it looks like before you get any lightning. Innit.
This is what it looks like before you get any lightning. Innit.

If you’re into Life Threatening activities then you can risk it all for the perfect picture. There are plenty of pictures of lightning, but never of the picture taker taking a picture as they’re being struck by lightning. We wouldn’t recommend any of you do this (unless you have a genuine death wish), but wouldn’t it be a dramatic picture to see a bolt of lightning surging down towards you! Ja? Non.

Cry Like a Big Jessie

Let it all out, mate.
Let it all out, mate.

You could keep it all a bit safer to home by just bursting into tears like a sissy. Yes, there’s shame in this. Mother Nature can be a scary mofo but, really, is it necessary to soil yourself as you blub away? Honestly, a grown adult like you! Beehive!

Contact The Local Authorities And Complain

Some complaining is intelligent. A lot of it isn't. Innit.
Some complaining is intelligent. A lot of it isn’t. Innit.

There’s nothing worse than the local community going down the toilet. Have there been a lot more thunderstorms recently? Then it’s the government’s fault. This is where you come in; interfere with idiotic questions about tax payer’s money and free cucumber sandwiches, whilst insisting society is going to the doldrums. Preferably do this whilst a storm is raging outside, so the cracks of lightning will add dramatic effect to your stupidity.

Get Suicidal #2 – Go Sky Diving

This is a bird sky diving. Cool, eh?
This is a bird sky diving. Cool, eh?

Probably a great view up there, right? So what better to get up close and personal than to sky dive into an electronically charged cloud thing. Sounds good to us! Mr. Wapojif has already booked some lessons for such an occasion. If you can’t afford this option, just go and play golf instead. Guaranteed one-on-one time with the weather. Innit.

And finally…

Pick Your Nose

Men are just SO disgusting!!!
Men are just SO disgusting!!!

During the storm you can pick your nose at will and blame it on the nerves. People will understand and encourage you; flick bogeys at these people as a sign of appreciation.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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