How To Approach Bono

Bono brings the latest tour to an early close. Drat and double drat.

Bono, lead singer for the popular band U2, has been a constant in the news for around three decades now. He’s famous for his Irishness, bouncy hair, frolicking stage presence, some (admittedly) pretty damn amazing songs, and the occasional burst of almightily pretentious behaviour. Clearly Bono is a complex beast and, thusly, one must wonder how fans go about meeting and greeting their hero. Do they, for instance, approach with caution from a distance of a mile away, or do they just “accidentally” bump into him when Bono is out eating his lunch in McDonald’s? We’ve given these questions some thought and, thusly, today’s post is dedicated to Bono’s fans and their need to get near him and be recognised by his Bononess. Indeed.

So just what is it about Bono? What draws people towards his particular brand of celebrity? For one he has done a lot of work for charity so he’s raised himself the heights of a deity in so doing. He also has the general aura about him of a man possessed with the need to supply the world with free Pot Noodles. And good on him as, frankly, we’re getting ruddy sick of having to fork out, or steal, Pot Noodles from the local supermarket. So, yeah, this guide is as much for ourselves as it is for you lot. Happy Bono hunting!


Wear A Bono-esque Wig

"Hello, I'm Bono and I have nice hair."
“Hello, I’m Bono and I have nice hair.”

Bono’s hair has changed a fair old whack over the years – from an electrocuted mop like appearance it has morphed into a modern do which is rather trendy. Innit. However, we’d recommend you approach Bono with a flamboyant man wig the likes of which he’ll remember from his youth. Heck, he might even think his younger self has had some sort of Time Jump and is back in the future, despite being from the past. Thusly you’ll be able to spend  a quality afternoon with the man himself discussing olden days. Wicked!

Whilst Wielding A Chainsaw

The ever amiable looking chainsaw.
The ever amiable looking chainsaw.

Now hear us out on this one as it may seem a touch psychotic at first. Obviously Bono gets approached by people all the time – admirers, fans, fast food delivery services, celebrities, politicians, donkeys, and maybe the occasional alien. So it seems normal to assume very few people approach him whilst revving a chainsaw. Naturally, he could find this a touch alarming, but just screaming over the noise how you wish to spend some time with him. Haha! You’ll laugh about it later.

Get Naked!

You'll need to be as hairy as this caterpillar to get near Bono.
You’ll need to be as hairy as this caterpillar to get near Bono.

This will probably work best if you suffer from morbid obesity as, what with Bono being a star, he no doubt gets plenty of marriage requests from attractive young ladies. So you’re going to need to stand out, and what better way to do this than if you’re a massive hairy bloke with colossal BO issues. Merely waddle towards The Big B with arms outstretched whilst wailing, “Give us a huuug!”



Somehow you should procure for yourself a live bee’s nest. Maybe “borrow” one from a local bee keeping colony (do return it, though, as bumble bees need to be looked after). Imagine Bono’s delight, though, as you tear towards him with a swarm of furious bees buzzing around you! Glorious!

Cabbage. Vast Amounts Of Cabbage

Cabbage, eh?
Cabbage, eh?

Well, you know, Bono might be a bit hungry. He might also be a great big fan of cabbage. It’s all possible. Heck, we’re just doing this to help you meet the guy, do you think you could come up with better alternatives? Of course not! Away wit’ yer!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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