Exclusive Recipe: The Cigarette Cake

“Cancer Stick, my dear?” – “Oh, Charles, how romantic! I do love your foul smoker’s stench! But if only someone could fashion a cake from these wondrous things!”

Smoking. You like to smoke smoke? Then start smoking! Of course, if you do decide to go for it, you’re going to have to deal with the foul Smoker’s Stench smokers get. If you’re a smoker you probably don’t realise it as you’re around the stuff all the thyme, but you really do stink like a slice of foul old cheese smeared with marmite and covered in horse crap. What’s worse is smokers tend to be incredibly arrogant about their addiction, demanding breaks at work, demanding Smoking Shelters, and (in the UK, anyway) expecting free healthcare when a myriad of smoking related diseases kicks in. Selfish or what!?!? They also litter the place up big style with cigarette butts which are usually just tossed to one side as if this weren’t littering as, you know, smokers are just too special for such petty deviances. It is littering you stupid gits! Find an ashtray – duuuh! Or, even better, mail them all to your nearest restaurant as our latest piece of cooking wizardry is about to shake up the cooking/smoking industry. Hoo yeah!

Indeed, the Cigarette Cake is a cake made out of used cigarette butts, tobacco, chocolate, and tobacco flavoured ice cream. What’s better is cigarettes can be used as candles – they’ll be stuck into the cake facing upwards (like your average candle) and will be lightedened up to make the glorious spectacle! The cake itself can also be lit (as it’s, you know, primarily tobacco) and you can consume it merrily as it smoulders away. Obviously it will make one of the most feck awful stenches you can humanly imagine (and it’ll probably set off a few fire alarms whilst it’s at it) but at least it’ll keep the streets clean, the smokers happy, and it gives anti-smoking folk such as ourselves something to grumble about. Huzzah!

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