These New Cornflakes Ranges Will Terrify You

Cornflakes
Not normally scary, but when Beelzebub loves them you know there’s going to be trouble!

A few years ago Kellogs made a Cornflakes with Banana Chunks range of Cornflakes. If you’re unaware of how special this is, get some cornflakes and cut banana on top. Add milk/almond milk/soya/coffee/champagne and enjoy. It’s a thrill a minute breakfast cereal experience. Sadly, Kellogs discontinued the range as the preservative stricken chunks of banana they included in boxes brough about the Second Coming of Beelzebub. He wanted in on the Cornflakes/Banana thing, you see, and resurrected himself. The sight of the gargantuan monster in Morrisons (Walmart to Americans) asking shelf stackers where the cereal aisle was, brought about mass panic amongst the public. Sadly, this led to Cornflakes discontinuing the range. For shame!

We’re consequently going to do a list of potential new Kellogs Cornflakes ranges we want Kellogs to go ahead with. Obviously they can’t bring the Banana range back, as Beelzebub (who, on the discontinuation of the range, went back into limbo) will return for more cereal based awesomeness. Plus, World Domination etc. So, we feel we can lesser to pain of no ready-made Cornflakes with Bananas with this selection of Cornflakes With “?” Enjoy, heathens!

Cornflakes with Liquidised Full English Breakfast

Blend it all up, mon!
Blend it all up, mon!

First off, with this one you’ll need to prepare a Full English Breakfast. You know, two fried eggs, two hash browns (grits, for Americans), three sausages, a tin of baked beans, three rashers of bacon, and two pieces of heavily buttered toast. A fried tomato, too, but, what the hell? That’s too healthy, do away with it! Once cooked, bung it all into a blender and whip it up until it’s heavily liquefied. Slushy etc.

Next, get your bowl of cornflakes and add the Full English Breakfast slush. Violins! A glorious breakfast of Hearty McNess.

Cornflakes and Onion Bhaji

Onions of Bhaji.
Onions of Bhaji.

We love Indian food stuffs. Spices are the best thing ever. During the Age of Discovery sailors risked life and limb to travel to the Molucca Islands in search of cloves and what have you. Now it’s all conviniently in your Cornflakes as itty bitty chunks of bhaji. No hundred mile, violently dangerous trips for you! Simply pour into a bowl, add tarka dal as milk substitute, and enjoy cornflakes the spicy way.

Cornflakes and Bombay Mix

Mix. From Bombay.
Mix. From Bombay.

Kind of like the Bhaji option, except with Bombay Mix. Now, Bombay Mix is a mixture of stuff from Bombay. You know: bits of building, trees, BO, and tasty Indian food. It looks like the picture above, and is very moreish. Cornflakes would be perfectly at home in this lot, and as a healthy start to the day you can add chocolate goat’s milk to make a nutritious cereal.

Cornflakes with Sea Bass and Marmalade

"Y'oreet?"
“Y’oreet?”

Sea Bass is tasty fish. If you don’t agree then you’re a Communist! Marmalade is also great, and if you don’t agree then you’re an imbecile. Cornflakes, we’ve established already, are awesome. Mixing them all together, then, is a recipe for perfection. Onion gravy will top off the mix as a tasty milk alternative. Want to put hair on your eyebrow(s)? This is the breakfast for you!

Cornflakes with Blended Fried Eggs and Mashed Potato

Mashed potato doin' its thaaang.
Mashed potato doin’ its thaaang.

To make this work you need to make the mashed potato as mashed as possible. It needs to be runny, basically, as it has to be an effective milk substitute. We understand it can never be a thoroughly competent milk substitute, so we’ve come up with a solution to make this ideal for a cornflakes cereal breakfast. You’ll need to fry around 17 eggs. Yes, 17. Repeat (this is not a typo) 17 eggs. Fry them up with butter, lard, and olive oil and then stuff them in the blender. Once blended, add the mush to the heavily mashed potato, add cornflakes to a bowl, and add the egg/mash slop to the cornflakes.

You having troubles getting your kids to eat healthy? This is the solution! No need to thank us, this is merely our job.

Cornflakes with Mustard and Marmite Milk

Mustard milk? It's a previously untapped health fad!
Mustard milk? It’s a previously untapped health fad!

If you’re trying to lose weight and want to be put off eating too much, here’s a good option. You’ll need as many condiment sachets of mustard as possible (steal as many as you can from local pubs and restaurants). Then buy a big tub of marmite. Mix the two into a pan, heat gently, and leave to cool. Next, pour the marmite/mustard (which we’ve dubbed Musty Milk) over your cornflakes. We can guarantee you won’t enjoy your breakfast. Not only this, but you may be put off food for life!

Cornflakes with Melted Deep Fried Butter, Caviar, and Lobster

The ever healthy snack of Deep Fried Butter.
The ever healthy snack of Deep Fried Butter.

This is the Ultimate Cornflakes Recipe, as invented by Mr. Wapojif. We’ll admit it’s a bit excessive, but if you’re going to pig out then this is the big one. You’ll need a tub of butter (all of it), which you’ll deep fry and then melt. This is your milk substitute. Next up, you’re going to have to splash out on the very finest caviar and a lobster.

Cook the lobster, and then poor your cornflakes into a large bowl. Add in the melted deep fried butter milk, spoon the caviar on top, and delicately place the lobster chunks and claws into the bowl. Putting it mildly, this is the greatest breakfast in the history of thyme.

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