As we’re going to post tomorrow, there’s been a change in the established hamster order in the Professional Moron office. We’ll reveal all tomorrow, until then we’d like our return blog post (we’ve not written anything for a while) to follow the unusually weird side of our lives we like to promote. You see, Mr. Wapojif recently acquired a fully grown male Walrus with which he has spent the last month bonding. Our Walrus, John, was being sold by a local farmer, whom mistakenly purchased the beast having believed it to be a deformed cow (the farmer was somewhat dim-witted). Mr. Wapojif’s flat was not of sound size for the marine mammal, so he decided to keep John in the Professional Moron office for the time being.
John quickly settled into the office by demolishing much of our property in fits of macho rage. The creatures, famed for their violent, dogmatic assertion of their masculinity, are clearly not supposed to be maintained as pets. However, we’re obstinate sorts here. We were eager to make the endeavour work whilst we sorted out a flight for John back to his native North Pole. Thankfully, last week John was successfully shipped back and, we’ve heard, is leading a happy life terrorising the beaches and ice flows of Antarctica with his foul temper. Bless. We have fond memories of his stay, however, and wax nostalgic in today’s post about these most dramatic of mammals.
John: The Specifics
John weighs in at some 1,900 kg (about 4,200lb) and was roughly 4.5 metres long (a 16 footer, effectively. On introducing his bulk to an eagerly awaiting Professional Moron office (whom set off party poppers and an air horn as way of greeting), John commenced an outraged, deafening set of bellows before rampaging across the office, smashing all of our computers, desks, and flattening Mr. Wapojif. The Walrus was eventually calmed by throwing several salmon in his direction, and we were thenceforth able to lead him into the property’s garden and throw fish at him through one of our windows. It was decided to keep John in the garden from then on, as his habit of charging us on sight soon became terrifying.
Despite this, John quickly became a beloved part of daily life and we took great enjoyment in waving at him from the office. He would recognise this by bellowing furiously, and charging through our neighbour’s garden fences, climbing on their cars, and generally smashing the place up a bit. This cute, quirky behaviour was pretty adorable and John naturally became a part of the Professional Moron family. Unfortunately, within a few days of this arrangement we had letters of complaint from our irritated neighbours, one of which read thusly:
Deirdre Margaret, 88, retired, letter of complaint dated 13th March 2014
“Dear staff of Professional Moron,
I have noticed you appear to have a Walrus in your garden. It is of such immense girth I duly noted you are forced to keep the beast there at all times. I have been able to observe its behaviour from my bedroom window, as I am often too mortified to step into my garden for a closer look.
The community quickly noted your attempts to take the Walrus, whom we gathered is named John (based on your terrified repeated screaming of the name whenever it charged one of you), for a walk ended in complete mayhem. It has been noted John’s complete destruction of several automobiles, a reasonable sized shed, and three caravans must be paid for by your company.
The beast’s constant, manic braying at all hours of the day is of major concern. There are, however, other areas of concern. The walrus also has a habit of rampaging through my garden fence in a mating ritual whenever he sees me through my kitchen window. I know you are well aware of this as you keep attempting to rebuild the fence by breaking into my house to fix it from my side. Naturally this is as you do not wash to confront John. However, please note I would prefer it if you didn’t keep axing down my front door in order to access my garden. You may simply ring my doorbell until John has vacated your property.
Please note furtherly, the police have been notified of this situation and we will be in further contact. We believe John belongs in his natural location and a petition, and charity campaign, has been launched to return him to the North Pole.
In Search of a New Office Pet
After our experiences with John the Walrus, we’ve decided we’d like another exotic pet to liven up our dreary existences. We had a good long think about this the other day. What exactly would be the ideal beast? We thought a diminutive scorpion or two would be cool, or perhaps a giant ruddy big snake, or a giraffe, or perhaps even a great white shark. However, the shark would required something larger than our bath tub, which even the 25 stone Mr. Wapojif struggles to fit into.
So, we decided upon an elephant. We’ve seen Dumbo, right? We know how these creatures behave. They’re friendly, funny, scared of mice, and (if you’ve seen The Simpsons) get on great with kids – so we can charge people to see the elephant and make a complete fortune. However, just this morning we received an extremely threatening letter from the Greater Manchester Police department warning us to desist in our disruptive behaviour. Whilst we’re disappointed in this, our return to “normal” pets heralded the arrival of a new hamster. Check back tomorrow for further details. We can’t be bothered writing more today.