How To Write Proper!

“It woz da best of thymes, it were duh wurst of thymes…”

If we’re being honest, weave done a “How To Write” post before, but it’s been well over a year so it’s time for another! Now, Mr. Wapojif has not only graduated from the school of life at age 29, but he also possesses many educational achievements the likes of which many hundreds of millions of other people have. However! There’s one big difference: nothing. This aside, our glorious editor did at least gain some degrees and, through which, he were able to form a highly accomplished writing style. So accomplished he figured, in his arrogance, he could lecture everyone else on how to be a super good writer. It donut take skill or intelligence to write a best selling novel. The trashier the better, frankly. Look at 50 Shades of Grey! However, to be REVERED like some genius writing person then you need full immersion into the art of writing. Daily 10 hour runs are needed to clear one’s mind. You must do 70 push ups a day, and you must take seventeen cold showers in succession to prep yourself. All of this has to be done before 9am in the morning, and only then can you commence!

Even with commencement you may find you can’t write good. This is where Professional Moron enters the fray like some braying, diseased lunatic. Not a pretty picture, but then there’s nothing pretty about being able to write good. So, hoik up your socks, pour yourself a glass of haggis milk, and prepare for lessons in prose. Onwards, comrade!

Grammur and Spelling

Grammur is dead important. So is spelling. We can’t stress this enough, dammit! If your one of them people, like us, who get really irritated by fundamental grammar errors, then good. We’d get on. However, good grammur don’t necce… nessecarrily mean you’re writing proper. No, it can just mean you’re being a tedious, pedantic bore. The way to overcome this potential obstacle is to punch yourself in the face every time you note a grammatical error. Indeed, this will teach you for being obsessive!

Novels

George Orwell once opined about novel writing. He rightly stated it’s a hellish process from which the only escape is when 100 years have past and, hopefully, your work’s still considered pretty decent. For Georgey Boy, he’s sorted there. If you’re still set on entering the nightmare, we have some tips for you. Before you ask, YES. Yes we have written a book. It’s slightly unfinished and needs an edit, but we does know what we’re writing about. Onwards:

  1. For the love of cheese, don’t, DON’T, DO NOT, ever begin a story with, “Once upon a time there was a nuclear warhead and a cheesecake.” This is our debut novel. It’s trademarked. Keep away!
  2. Remember, your novel hates you as much as you hate it.
  3. If you run out of ideas it’s advised you maintain a handstand. Once you start seeing the Pink Walruses and their talking cabbage dogs, it’s time to get to writing again.
  4. The more insane the better. If you planned a sentence such as, “Mary decided to bake a cake. Thusly, she did bake a cake, and t’was a good cake. All her friends agreed it was a good cake. Mary felt content.” You can liven things up pretty easily. Behold: “In a fit of barely contained fury, Mary decided to annihilate a cake. First, she required the equipment to detonate it, so she blackmailed Arnold Schwarzenegger. Within a week, Mary had access to a spare nuclear warhead. Mary felt positively psychotic!”
  5. If you have to use a similie, make sure they’re pretty damn unique: “His concepts of freedom were like a Wolverhampton Warriors 0 – Preston North End 0”.

Novellas

Novellas are like novels, but with fewer pages and words. It has been said Genghis Khan would fly into a rage whenever anyone offered him a novella over a novel. Ernest Hemingway was a skilled novella writer. His books, such as 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Potter, are classics within the novella field.

Blogs

Blogging is fun way to connect with people. However, if you’re like us and HATE connecting with people, then blogging isn’t for you. So why blog then? Well why do you think? World Domination. You have to start somewhere, and Mr. Wapojif is no different from any other Evil Mastermind. Innit.

Blog writing’s a bit different to other writing as it’s not quite as full on. You can also write about anything, such as slippers. Now we like slippers, but slippers isn’t going to make a compelling 80,o00 word novel, which is subsequently adapted into an Oscar winning film starring Brad Pitt and Burt Bacharach. IS IT!?!?!

Writer’s Block

Some writers “get stuck” and like to vent their frustrations by building a block (usually out of cement), which they then beat the living daylights out of. This non-violent form of pent up frustration release is useful in keeping a writer sane – this is known as Writer’s Block. It also helps get blood and oxygen flowing to the brain, which promotes creativity. However, one downside is the writer’s shattered hands are no longer of use with writing implements, be they: type writer, pencil, quill, laptop, or mud. This can be solved by dictating to someone – you will need to blackmail them first, of course, but this can be solved with some creativity. A Blackmail Block, to be precise, which one thrashes the daylights out of to figure out how to blackmail the person

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