Twiglets are these strange crispy wheat type things which are shaped like twigs and covered in marmite. They’re a tasty, if unhealthy, snack which come in bags like, again, crisps. The name got us confused this morning, though. Take a good long hard look at it: Twiglets. Breaking the adjective into its four syllables we have twi-g-lets. The two words which make it up are what perplexed us so: twig and let(s). Now twigs are these elongated things which stick out of branches, which also stick out of trees (which themselves stick out of the ground). Conversely, Let is when a property is available to rent – For Let. Most human beings would prefer to rent a property such as a flat, a bungalow, house, or houseboat. What most sane humans wouldn’t do is rent out a twig. Unless, of course, the person were some sort of conservationist attempting to provide living space for birds. In which case, this is understandable but impractical. We mean, you can’t exactly tell the birds which twig belongs to them – they wouldn’t understand! Also, they’re autonomous winged beasts who can’t be controlled, so you’d have to sellotape the bird to the twig you’d rented. Frankly Mr. Shankly, this wouldn’t make you much of a conservationist.

What confused us most of all is this: if the twigs are For Let, why are they in a bag called Twiglets for human snack based consumption? All the evidence indicates they’re property for rent for birds through conservationists. However, if they are snack products then it’s clear they are stolen property from twig purchasing do-gooders. Consequently,  whenever you eat a bag of twiglets you’re destroying the homes of dozens of homeless birds! Again, this doesn’t make you a very good conservationist. No. It makes you one evil SOB.