What Is Toothpaste?

Pure evil.
Pure evil.

This is the thought our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, awoke to this morning. He often challenges himself with intellectual concepts such as this, and promptly consumed his breakfast (a raw egg with a pint of melted cheese, washed down with Bovril) whilst ranting about this great government conspiracy. For, you see, the clue is in the name: toothpaste. The paste is made out of teeth! This makes sense when you think about it, as your teeth spend most of their lives in your mouth next to other teeth, and they don’t go mouldy or need fillings or anything. Clearly teeth are plaque fighting products which stave off the efforts of teeth destroying plaque – handy! However, this highlights two mortifying realisations: 1) Toothpaste companies are getting teeth from somewhere and grinding them down to sell as paste. 2) Toothpaste is the biggest con in the history of humanity, designed solely to rip the punters off!

You could argue we’re being quite delusionally paranoid. For instance, why not see other clues in the name? Toothpaste. This would be a pertinent notion, except “ooth” isn’t anything at all on planet Earth, which means you’re muttering utter nonsense, fool! Sadly, the sad truth is sad companies have been conning us sad lotΒ of our money in order to brush our sad teeth with old teeth. BUT! Where did they come from? There’s a shed of thought which suggests they’re the teeth from ancient dinosaur bones, which have been made smellerific with the use of mint infusion. Dinosaurs are famous for their gargantuan toothiness, such as the notorious monstrosity the Toothosaurus (a 60ft tall lizard monster with a solitary, 10ft by 10ft tooth to its name). There was also the Diplotoothus (the largest creature to have ever walked this Earth… well, unless the contemporary obesity epidemic fails to clears itself up) which, at 100 tonnes, was so large it couldn’t even move. Its evolutionary trick was to evolve into a giant tooth, thereby being able to mash together with other Diplotoothusi whenever there was an earthquake (common back 300 million years ago) and thusly eat whatever was near them. These ancient beasts deserve a final resting place – we say abandon buying toothpaste, and use natural products such as Coca Cola and/or ice cream. Who needs teeth anyway!?

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