A Savage Indictment Of “The Wheels On The Bus” Nursery Rhyme

A bus stop, as seen in England. Get used to staring at these if you don't own a car. To help pass the thyme, sing The Who's Magic Bus (and not The Wheels On The Bus, as this song is pure evil)!
A bus stop, as seen in England. Get used to staring at these if you don’t own a car. To help pass the thyme, sing The Who’s Magic Bus (and not The Wheels On The Bus, as this song is pure evil)!

Today we thought we’d examine this famous nursery rhyme and dissect it in a pointlessly savage manner. You’ve no doubt heard of it – you may even remember singing it as a wee one. We put it to you all, however, this song is hegemonic (and xenophobic) against humble buses. Look at the first verse: “The wheels on the bus go round and round”. Thusly begins one of the most misguided songs in the history of humanity, and it should be banned on an international level.

Kids you can’t blame for singing the song as they’re kids. Most kids have low IQs and are stupid, but adults forcing them to sing this thing should know better! It’s a morally disgraceful assault on the nature of buses! Don’t believe us? Look at some of the other verses, such as, “The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep”. Here it makes out buses either suffer from Tourette’s syndrome or are belligerently profane, which is specious at best. Next up, “The signals on the bus go blink, blink, blink”. What signals? Was the person who wrote this on some drug fuelled hallucinogenic trip and envisioning messages from aliens? Maybe they were put off by the next, factually correct, verse, “The babies on the bus go waa, waa, waa”. Yes, they bloody well do! In the North West of England many Northern parents deal with this noise with a simple, “SHURRUP CALLUM!” and a deft smack to the head. Good parenting, you see? Does it work? No, the kid shrieks louder, at which point the parent sometimes begins to swear at the child, thusly becoming analogous to the aforementioned bus profanity misrepresentation from the rhyme. Except this time not misrepresented, and we’re not even sure that makes sense!

The rhyme goes on to state, “The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish,” and, “The motor on the bus goes zoom, zoom, zoom.” Not only does this suggest the bus driver is operating the windscreen wipers at inappropriate times, it hints he/she is speeding like a malodorous hooligan. We have to state the following: The Wheels On The Bus does not accurately depict public transport (other than the babies crying bit – that’s spot on) in England and, we presume, anywhere. Join us, Professional Moron acolytes, in rebuking this travesty of justice! Sing The Who’s Magic Bus instead. Innit.

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