Previously, we’ve covered important bus using etiquette. That stands for ALL of public transport. As it’s an important art to master and one many citizens of Earth forget about.
And that takes us back to an old nursery rhyme. One about wheels. On buses. And things going round and round. Let’s dissect this as if it were Solzhenitsyn’s The First Circle, for this is lofty subject matter at hand.
Critical Analysis of The Wheels on the Bus Nursery Rhyme
Today we thought we’d examine this famous nursery rhyme and dissect it in a pointlessly savage manner.
You’ve no doubt heard of it—you may even remember singing it as a wee one. We put it to you all, however, this song is hegemonic (and xenophobic) against humble buses. Look at the first verse:
“The wheels on the bus go round and round”
Do they, though? Really!? Thusly begins one of the most misguided songs in the history of humanity! And it should be banned on an international level.
Kids—you can’t blame for singing along to the song… as they’re kids. Most kids have low IQs and are stupid, but adults forcing them to sing this thing should know better!
It’s a morally disgraceful assault on the nature of buses! Don’t believe us? Look at some of the other verses, such as:
“The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep”
Here it makes out buses either suffer from Tourette’s syndrome or are belligerently profane, which is specious at best. Next up:
“The signals on the bus go blink, blink, blink”
What signals? Was the person who wrote this on some drug fuelled hallucinogenic trip and envisioning messages from aliens?
Maybe they were put off by the next, factually correct, verse:
“The babies on the bus go waa, waa, waa”
Yes! They bloody well do! In the North West of England, many Northern parents deal with this noise with a simple, “SHURRUP CALLUM!” and a deft smack to the head (see our notes on remote working and the end of commuting).
Good parenting, you see? Does it work? No, the kid shrieks louder, at which point the parent sometimes begins to swear at the child, thusly becoming analogous to the aforementioned bus profanity misrepresentation from the rhyme.
Except this time not misrepresented, and we’re not even sure that makes sense! As the rhyme goes on to state,
“The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish”
This gobbledygook is followed in quick succession by:
“The motor on the bus goes zoom, zoom, zoom”
Not only does this suggest the bus driver is operating the windscreen wipers at inappropriate moments, it hints he/she is speeding like a malodorous hooligan.
We must conclude with the following.
The Wheels On The Bus nursery rhyme does not accurately depict public transport (other than the babies crying bit—that’s spot on) in England and, we presume, everywhere else.
Join us, Professional Moron acolytes, in rebuking this travesty of justice! Sing The Who’s Magic Bus instead. That’s more accurate.