Professional Moron’s Guide To Turning 30

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!
Happy Happy, Joy Joy!

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, turned 30 today. It is a momentous achievement and it makes him (and us) an expert on life and everything else. Now some of you reading this may not be 30 yet. Others might be. Either way, we now have a sense of moral and intellectual superiority so we’re going to get all pretentious and state the facts of life.Β This is what we’ve noticed in 30 years:

  1. Mashed potato isn’t as interesting as it was when we were younger.
  2. With each passing year cheese becomes more important.
  3. We have no idea who Kim Kardashian is and why she’s always in the media.
  4. Tea is everything.
  5. There should be more bumble bees.
  6. We have a strong impulse to make jam all the time.
  7. Sandwiches are great.
  8. Cake!
  9. Futurama is better than The Simpsons.
  10. Bloody youths and their bloody Facenovel and bloody Self-bloody-ies and bloody liberal bloody views. It bloody well makes us bloody sick! Back in our bloody day, you bloody well worked a 20 hour bloody shift cleaning urinals, then bloody returned bloody home to feed the bloody kids, get 20 minutes bloody sleep, then head back to bloody work! Bloody kids these bloody days have it bloody easy!

Turning 30 itself isn’t difficult – all you have to do is sit around waiting long enough and it happens. Dodge the odd meteorite and nuclear explosion along the way and you’ll be beaming upon arrival. The real deal is how to mark such an occasion. Are balloons enough? What about bonbons? Bovril? Burt Bacharach? Bins? Anything with a B seems to do the trick, so today we’re celebrating by listening to Burt Bacharach and drinking bonbon, bovril, and broccoli smoothies. Way to party, eh? Happy birthday to you all!

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