An Englishman has become the first human being on Earth to scale Mount Everest in nothing more than a bobble hat and speedos.
The speedos, which were a vibrant pink, weren’t even padded for extra warmth. This astonishing climb was completed on 22nd November 2014.
Mount Everest & Speedos
The achiever of this remarkable achievement is 25 year old Derek Darcy from Bolton, in the North West of England.
How to climb Mount Everest is still a matter of much debate.
But Mr. Darcy is believed to have trained for five years in preparation of his assault, often skipping nights out on the lash in pursuit of his dream.
His training regime, which was presided over by 60 year old Milkman Brian Hepstein, was particularly gruelling.
To manage the sub-zero temperatures he would be facing Mr. Darcy put himself through, what Mr. Hepstein described as, “Bloody horrible stuff.” This included:
- Standing around outside in the early hours of the morning in very little clothing.
- Repeatedly scaling the steeper roads in Bolton city centre.
- Leaving the fridge door open at home.
- Standing in the refrigerator departments at a local supermarket for long durations. And,
- Going for swims in the deep end of the pool (you know, the really cold bit) at the local leisure centre.
On his official blog in September 2014, Mr. Darcy wrote:
"I'm getting used to the speedos, me, because my tackle keeps getting lodged in uncomfy places. lol. I reckon this would be a problem at 20,000 feet. Do you know what I mean?"
He also stated his wish that there was a McDonald’s on Mount Everest.
Mr. Darcy began to scale Mount Everest on the 10th of November, but got lost when Google Maps froze on his iPhone.
Mr. Hepstein commented, “Apparently phones don’t work on them things, so we had to sit down for a bit to think” Eventually the intrepid Mr. Darcy decided to, “Head for the top bit!” He set forth in his favourite bobble hat and speedos on the 15th November.
Details remain unclear as to how he completed the climb. Of particular interest was how he overcame the normally fatal sub-zero temperatures, was able to walk up Mount Everest barefooted, survive without food, and not be blinded by the glare of the sun off the snow.
It is also unclear where he slept, although Mr. Darcy claims to have been “speeding'” and didn’t require any sleep.
Mr. Darcy was hailed as a hero by locals. On returning down the mountain successfully, local reporters rushed to the Englishman for a world exclusive quote.
Amidst his tinnitus inducing chattering of teeth Mr. Darcy was able to comment:
"Fucking hell it were freezing!"
Upon returning to England Mr. Darcy was arrested by Greater Manchester police due to public indecency.
Dozens of cases were lodged during his five years of training (primarily for public nudity and “lingering” in supermarkets). He’s currently serving a 10 year sentence.