It’s important to state right away if you don’t wear a belt your pants will fall down. This is highly embarrassing and detrimental to your life, particularly when at work. Colleagues would dub you, “Mr./Miss No Pants!”, “Pantless”, or “Idiot brain”. This is not what you want, so wear a belt and pull it EXTRA tight.

There are different types of belts, of course. In Karate you are judged on how efficiently violent you are by what type of colour belt you wear. Black Belts are famed for being psychopaths, whilst Pink Belts are so tough even Black Belts burst into tears upon sight of them. Ironically, however, despite the lofty connotations of the Karate Belt, they are only worn so as to stop the karate wearer’s robe in place. Indeed, without the karate belt even the mightiest Karate Champion looks like a buffoon. Just don’t tell them this, as you’ll be upside down with a kneecap in your face before you could say, “If I were an asteroid belt I’d wallop you one, hoodlum!”.

Asteroid Belts are, arguably, the second most famous belts in the Universe. Seat belts are pretty useful too, and you should always wear one. Not if you’re NOT in a motor vehicle, of course, otherwise you’d be a paranoid hypochondriac. You can walk around without the need of a seat belt, but you still may need a normal belt. By this we don’t mean an Asteroid Belt, we mean a fashion belt. Conveyor belts are another form of belt. They convey the very nature of what it is to be a belt – a device destined for nothing but holding stuff together. It is an embarrassing existence.

Finally we have Brandon Belt, a baseball player in the United States of America. He hits a ball with a bat (not a belt) and is ruddy good at it. If you take anything away from today’s post, it’s the surname Belt means you’re good at sports. So long as you wear a belt.