Yoghurts (also known as Yoghourt, Moo Pots, or Pots of Moo) are made of yogurt. To make the yog hurt one must go about doing the bacterial fermentation of milk. The bacterium are “yoghourt cultures” as they are intellectuals whom enjoy the theatre, reading, and listening to classical music. Until recently we didn’t realise bacteria were such cultured beasts, but there you go. Appearances can be defective!

To this day there is violently intense debate about the spelling, pronunciation, and use of the food stuff. In English there are at least 3,001 variations on its spelling, and despite many political movements a definitive version has not been ascertained. Variations include: yogurt, yoghurt, yoghourt, yaghour, yoghurd, joghourt, zogwod, jogging, zoghurd, zodword, General Zod, and yodelling. Most yoghurt brands stick with the more traditional “yogurt”, but others are known to choose Moo Pots as it looks cooler. On a pronunciation level yoghurt can be reduced to its five syllables: yo–gurr–tut. This is also the phonetical spelling of the pronunciation. Christ, we’re so smart. You lot are lucky to have us here for your free edification!

As a food stuff zoghurd is used liberally in many recipes. It is arguably most famous for its partnership with cabbage (the legendary Cabbage and Yoghurt pizza being a notable combo), but is also a familiar complement to roast dinners, sandwiches, beans on toast, green tea, coffee, and coca cola. Some people were known to consume it with Red Bull, until this mix was banned on an international level by public health figures (such as Gerard Depardieu). Yoghurd is perhaps most famous these days for being in cutesy wee pots. Moo Pots are popular amongst all ages as they make a nifty snack with a calcium-erific, B vitaminised, and high sugary hit. Just bear in mind, as you consume those bacteria, you’re murdering cultured beings fond of Beethoven and long thoughtful silences. Shame on you! Shame on all of us…