Kale (also known as Curly Kale or “that wonky green hedge”) is currently heralded as the greatest food ever. We like the stuff a great deal, and it can be added to almost any dish imaginable. Want to have a Kale Pop Tart? They’re out there! Plus the stuff doesn’t lose its nutritional value when you cook it! We’re not sure why. Maybe it’s made out of cement – we all know you can’t cook the nutrients out of cement. No matter how bloody hard you fry a slab of it! We do feel kale is missing something though, and by this we mean a true mascot! Its bitter rival, spinach, has always had one. This is prejudiced against kale.

You may remember the Popeye cartoons from when you were a kid. Man, what a freak that guy was! We’re sure his relentless spinach promotion was sincere, but he can be summed up thusly: a tattooed maniac with abnormal muscle growth, a severe speech impediment, and a psychotic addiction to tinned spinach. No, he did not endorse kale! He was too busy hanging around with his missus Olive Oyl when not stuffing his stupid face, but as soon as he ate the stuff he was transformed from a puny moron into a Charles Atlas-esque body builder. In terms of brainwashing kids into eating proper, this is a pretty decent approach. It was always a crushing disappointment, however, when (as kids) we ate spinach only to discover you don’t go Super Mario. No, you simply get a healthy blast of veggie goodness. Those damn lies from adults, eh?

Kale could do with analogous deranged genius, something equally disturbing yet sublime as Popeye. We would suggest Popbrain The Sailorwoman or Nostrils the Kale Monster, but kale’s Popeye representative has been filled by hundreds of fitness addicts and gym goers singing its praises. Yes, the people who demand you bake the stuff into kale krisps, or wear kale wigs, or drink kale vegetable smoothies. These people are as brilliantly obsessive as Popeye, and have become an effective marketing machine. Kale donut need to promote itself. Everyone’s already doing the work for it. Take that Popeye, you weird SOB!