Pigs! You have to love them. When you’re growing up you think they’re stupid, gluttonous animals, but then you watch Babe from 1995 and you realise Babe is well smart and a total legend. Then, of course, there’s Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web. As proven in this poignant fable, it’s possible for a pig and spider to get along. Professional Moron tried this recently by keeping a pig in a bowl with a tarantula. The first problem occurred when the pig wouldn’t fit in the bowl. It then squirmed loose as we tried to figure out a solution and promptly raided our larder. All our fresh rhubarb… gone!

Another popular pig notion is they’re always covered in mud and they smell bad. Again, this is possibly spurious. We state “possibly” as we don’t hang around with pigs much, so we can’t say for sure. We’re betting they don’t smell of roses, however, so we’ve come up with a fantastic new ointment for farmers to rub all over their pigs! We’ve dubbed this latest invention of ours Oinkment and it consists of stuff every pig will love, such as:

• Mud
• Roses
• Horse manure
• Peppermint

As you can imagine this creates a quite grotesquely nauseating stench for any human being, but the pigs will love their new aroma and will flaunt it in any field you thusly thrust them into. To be honest we’re surprised the pigs from Animal Farm didn’t think of this. Napoleon, Snowball, Minimus, and Squealer should have used their collective intellect to alleviate their overall stink. Maybe then it wouldn’t have all descended into a totalitarian nightmare. There you have it – farmers hold the key to an autocratic society. Fear the farmers! Push forward Oinkment: £55 a bottle!