In Contempt Of Hungry Hungry Hippos

He may look cute but that is one crazed SOB.
He may look cute but that is one crazed SOB.

You may remember Hungry Hungry Hippos from when you were a kid. It’s a game where you sit there and smash your fists violently up and down off a bit of plastic – four people can play at once, and the hippos collect these marble-esque things. When they’re all collected the players count them up and see who has the most, with numerical superiority equalling a pointless victory.

Hasbro released Hungry Hungry Hippos in 1978 and, like an outraged and malodorous hippopotamus stampeding towards a group of rich tourists, it made one hell of an impact. Due to this some of you may consider the game to be a bit of an innocuous laugh, but we’ve figured out it is utterly barbaric. Many children were scarred, scared, and made sacred by this disgrace to humanity, and we at Professional Moron are but a few of its victims. The sad reality is this has been going on for decades. For shame!

Here’s the really disturbing thing: whilst researching Hungry Hungry Hippos we discovered details which stated a game lasts for “10 minutes”. What? At best one of the frenzied “games” lasts for 60 seconds, often less as many participants suffer immediate compound fractures and broken wrists and/or fingers in the ensuing flailing of limbs. These details went on to stress the skill required for Hungry Hungry Hippos is “dexterity”. Eh? Since when has punching your fists at something ever been considered dextrous? We’d describe thusly: Hungry Hungry Hippos – Skills required – Sociopathic, ASBO seeking behaviour and an uncontrollable violent streak.

Don't let them see the whites of your eyes!
Don’t let them see the whites of your eyes!

In addition to this lot, we’re not happy about the name. Why is it Hungry Hungry Hippos? What’s with the two “Hungry”s? It should be Hungry Hippos – this makes more sense. Or were Hasbro attempting to stress the number of hippos involved in the game? If this is the case they failed miserably and displayed a chronic lack of numerical aptitude. There are four hippos in Hungry Hungry Hippos, so it should be Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippos. Why are two left out? Is the game racist?! Professional Moron remembers the advert from TV, where people chanted, “It’s Hungry Hungry Hippos!”, so we ultimately figured, “It’s Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippos!” would have added around a second to the commercial’s length, which would have made it more expensive to air. You bloody cheapskates, Hasbro! Abandoning your bloody scruples in favour of a bloody second. For shame!

If things weren’t horrifying enough, Emett/Furla/Oasis Films (catchy name, guys!) announced they will be making a film adaptation of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Boy, we can’t wait to see that one…

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