In Space No One Can Hear You Make Ice Cream

Ice Cream!
Ice Cream!

There’s a school of thought which suggests ice cream has to be made in Antarctica, otherwise it wouldn’t be ice cream. It’d just be cream, as it wouldn’t freeze. This would defeat the purpose of ice cream. This school of thought, however, is a stupid one purported by brain-dead imbeciles. Ice cream is actually made in space, as In Space No One Can Hear You Make Ice Cream (you remember the famous Alien movie poster tagline).

It’s true as well! Space is in a vacuum, and vacuum cleaners are bloody loud so you can’t hear the whisking of cream and ice. The physical process of making ice cream (which deliberately sounds like “I scream”, as it’s akin to a thousand high pitched babies wailing) is such a hellish cacophony of noise no human being would be able to survive the process. That’s right: ice cream is the most dangerous food on Earth, which is why it isn’t made here. NASA were the brains behind this, and the organisation famously doubles up as a space program and an international ice cream manufacturer.

NASA use only the finest ingredients and, as revealed courtesy of the Freedom of Information Act, they get them from Mars. Thought they kept going up there for no reason? Wrong, they’re planning to colonise the planet and turn it into a giant ice cream factory. You name it, Mars will produce it: Cornettos, Soleros, Vienetta, Häagen-Dazs, Magnums, Mars Bar Ice Creams, and maybe even the odd batch of cheesecake!

NASA hopes to gradually turn the Solar System into the Solero System, with the likes of Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto being turned into colossal manufacturers of delicious unhealthiness.  NASA, however, have an ulterior motive to this scheme: they expect the Solero System to assuage any would-be alien invaders in the distant future. If and when (and it is more a case of when) our Supreme Alien Overlords attempt to take over Earth, we can serve up one almightily impressive Vienetta and the dilemma will be no more. May Häagen-Dazs have mercy on us all.

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