Why Is Europa Covered In Marmite?

Europa

We watched a Dr. Brian Cox documentary last night about aliens, planets, and space. Whilst we spent most of our time contemplating Dr. Cox’s flowing rock star locks of hair, we did pick up on the possibility of some form of basic life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. By “basic” we mean this: a bit thick. You know, the likes of football hooligans, UKIP supporters, and those people who push into a door when it clearly states “PULL”.

There was a 2013 film called the Europa Report which picked up on the prevailing scientific notion of life on this icy world of ice. In it astronauts, such as Sharlto Copley, visit Europa and find it is, indeed, next to Jupiter and covered in ice. Boy what a film! In reality, whilst scientists are bricking themselves in excitement over its lively potential, Professional Moron is more interested in the moon’s appearance. It’s covered in marmite.

Why would be this be? One theory has it Jupiter isn’t a gas giant: it’s a yeast giant. A bubbling mass of yeast extract spewing forth its concoction of weirdness; Jupiter is the No.1 source of marmite in all of the known Universe. As Jupiter has many moons (67 currently) some of the closer ones have been destroyed in violent frenzies of marmite eruptions over the millenniums.

Food stuffs from Jupiter.
Food stuffs from Jupiter.

As you can see, Europa is the most unfortunate right now. It has to endure a regular showering in the stuff – molten hot marmite raining down from every angle! Now on Earth Marmite bears the legend “Love it or hate it”, and sadly Europa bloody hates the stuff. Due to its orbit, though, it’s forever stuck in a cycle of gross food stuffs. The poor bastard.

What’s weird is NASA wants to get up there and explore the place. Are they mad?! No. Frankly, it’s clear NASA’s desire is on getting up there to harvest a vast fortune of marmite. In the future, when marmite reserves run dry on Earth, they can laud this haul over humanity and become supreme rules of Earth. We’re onto you, NASA, you heathens! Don’t even try it.

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