Balls To Apple Watch! We Want Apple Hopscotch

Apple this and apple that. We’re bloody fed up of apples!

You’ll no doubt have seen of late super brand Apple released the Apple Watch. Whilst this is all rather jolly and expensively pointless, we do think Apple missed a trick here. For a start, who needs a watch in this day and age? Not even watch makers! Secondly, why something as boring as a watch? It’s boring! What isn’t boring? Hopscotch!

Thusly we invented Apple Hopscotch, which costs £400 but is crammed full of the most awesome things imaginable! As the old saying goes, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” You know what we say to old sayings? This: sod off.

Everyone will remember hopscotch from their formative years (i.e. Primary School). Young and stupid, we all enjoyed hurtling about the playground screaming bloody murder. Boys usually played football or war games (Mr. Wapojif’s group of mates played Dinosaurs as well – such imagination! Jurassic Park hadn’t even been released at that stage!), girls did skipping and hopscotch. Boys weren’t allowed near the latter, on pain of death (according to The UK Hopscotch Act 1990).

Luckily The UK Hopscotch Act 2014 was introduced and allows for blokes of all ages to take part – a liberal society opens up new technologies and thusly we have an exciting game with exciting new possibilities. Apple, we beseech you thusly, with your disturbingly vast wealth its time you put yourselves at the forefront of modern hopscotch design. A gesture based version you could arrange on the floor with added apps, Selfie taking opportunities, and emergency services numbers on Speed Dial (should you suddenly fall face first into the ground).

Naturally you’d be able to download apps for it, and these could be as bone crunchingly horrendous as you so wished. There’d be the HopBreak app, for instance, which means the hopscotch loser would immediately have their leg broken by an AppThug (a separate app which allows you to hire a bouncer for £300 a day – In App purchases allow you to change overall Thuggishness). Other features would include, but not be limited to:

  • The Beginner’s Guide To Hopscotch – A 10,000 word dissertation on what the game is and how to play it (as violently as possible).
  • How To Hopscotch – A 10 hour explanatory video behind the game, including a three hour safety video on why you need to tie your shoelaces before playing.
  • The UK Hopscotch Act 2014 – The full 300 page doctrine on the newly enlightened world of hopscotch. Includes harrowing tales of boys beaten away from hopscotch by screaming girls. Read with a handkerchief at the ready – there will be tears.
  • In App Social Media Sharing – You’ll be able to Tweet or Instagram those horrifying wounds from trips and falls. Don’t forget to post Selfies of black eyes, bruised nostrils, and lost teeth. The bloodier the better! It’s a narcissists’s game, on the internet!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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