Why Do Cats Purr? Check Out Our Genuinely Insane Theories!

“I’m not impressed with your stupid bloody theories…” purred cat monster.

Cats and purring. Purring and cats. It were in the news t’other day – the cat with the loudest purr on Earth (as loud as a dishwasher) resides in London and purrs loudly. “Impossible!” you might say, “That’s what they want us to think! Bloody nanny state!” But there’s a YouTube clip to prove it, so shut up fool!

Despite this brilliance it’s still unknown why cats do the purring. Growing up and owning cats as a younger version of yourself it’s easy to presume it’s a noise of contentment. Renowned scientists such as Dr. Fred Gangrene (who may, or may not, be fictionalised) have stated purring may be (and maybe) some kind of restoration process. The low frequency can heal bones, wounds, and muscle atrophy (which is why NASA may use them for astronauts returning from space).

We’re not really ones for scientific reasoning. Gung-ho lunacy, wild conspiracy theories, and ill-informed opinions are what made Professional Moron flourish, and we sure as ham aren’t changing the formula now! Thusly we’ve come up with a few ideas as to why cats purr which should rock the feline community. Behold!

Purring Is An Extravagant Way Of Picking Their Nose

This poor bastard is straining to pick its nose. You’re going to have to purr harder, son!

When Professional Moron’s editor, Mr. Wapojif, wants to pick his nose he jams his index finger right in there. Wherever he is, such as at an important business meeting, at a wedding, or during a family reunion, the nostril needs to be plucked and shall be. CATS donut have this luxury as they don’t have fingers. Thusly we believe the purring is a way of dislodging bogeys from their nostrils through subtle vibrations. Indeed!


Kevin Bacon

Cats purr because of Bacon. Kevin Bacon. As it turns out the feline world has a thing for Mr. Bacon based on hit movies such as The River Wild, Footloose, Mystic River, and the TV series The Following (which has a pretty big following, ironically). We’ll purr to that.

Fifty Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey
This cat was so distressed by the book it TURNED grey!

Cats purr as a warning to people to make them steer clear of the novel which we shan’t mention in name (even though we already have, bloody hypocrites we are!). They purr as they don’t like the book. What book do they like? Why Spot The Dog, of course!


That is one patronising SOB!

Cats can be a bit up themselves at thymes. When they purr they’re calmly condescending you in the only why cats know how. In the cat trade this theory is known as Purrtronisation and is supported by the fact cats are just a bit like that.

They Are Mobile Phones

Mobile Phone
“My phone is my cat” – drop out the s, l, and e and you’re there!

Cats are secretly mobile phones which have a vibrate option. When they emit their loud squawking noise (also known as a “miaow”) this is their ringtone. It’s just possible, you know, as when you think about it cats are kind of portable. Just like mobiles! Also, just like mobiles, they go off when you least expect and want them to, leaving you glowering at the thing in discontent.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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