How To Pander To A Panda Who Panders

Panda
Look at that grin. Daaaawww. Pander to the SOB!

Pandas are great creatures who are part cow, skunk, and panda. Adorable beasts which spend most of their time chewing on bamboo sticks, pandas really do pander to their panda based knees. Er, needs.

The noun “pander” (which is a proverb) was invented by Welsh scientist Mr. Ind Ulge, who used to hang out with pandas on the Silk Road during the Age of Discovery. Pandas were a lot more violent back then, and to assuage their foul belligerence Mr. Ulge would pander to their every requirement. Thusly, pandas got their names!

These days most of us don’t know or see many pandas. Professional Moron used to hang out with one, Clive, at Chester zoo until he was abducted by aliens (so the Manchester Evening News reported it). You can visit other zoos and you’ll see pandas, of course, some of which haven’t been abducted.

You can also go and find one out in the wild, such as in your local back garden. We’re not promising you’ll find one there (in fact, you’ll mainly find your pet cat and/or a horde of furious wasps/bees) but if you don’t look, you won’t know. Should you find one: donut panic! Simply alert the armed forces and they will come hurtling to your residence where they will pander to a panda’s needs with bamboo twigs!

Bamboo is made out of salt and aspic and is really tasty to pandas (for whatever reason). It usually grows in bamboo gardens in China, but you’ll be able to find some down at your local Chippy (that’s Fish & Chips shop should you be unaware – 90% of a British diet is this dish) if you ask politely.

So there we have it, they’re was are guide on how two behave with the most splendiferous etiquette around a panda. Try to hold the same reserve around your fellow human beings – they’re not as docile, but at least they can make ice cream!

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