Peter Pan was the boy who never grew up. As this fairy tale is complete nonsense, of course, Peter Pan would have had to have grown up. This is the way the world works; it’s biology, physiology, and chemistry all bundled into a convenient thing – “ageing”.

No author, it seems, has ever dared take on the possibility of Peter Pan growing up (except that film Hook where he did grow up to be a SOB lawyer), and we’d like to postulate here Peter Pan (being psychologically devastated from living out his youth in such splendour) would have been a cantankerous git who, through the drudgery of needing some sort of income, opened up a shop called Peter’s Pans.

Peter’s Pans would have been a 9-5 type of shop which sold all variety of shop – everything was spick and span and, by heck, Peter had a real talent for manufacturing steel drums into the shape of kitchen cooking products.

The key difference is Peter, in his curmudgeonly state, would only ever hire anyone called Peter (or Pete). Peter’s Pans, then, was populated by only men. Men such as: Peter O’Toole, Peter Finch, Pete Townshend, Peter Sellers, Peter Capaldi, Peter Frampton, Peter Cook, and Peter Jackson.

With his trusty army of celebrities, musicians, and entertainers, Peter Pan forged his name in the pan making world with terrifying tactics such as making pans entirely out of paper, jam, semtex, and/or snakes. The latter proved particularly disastrous as the snakes were never best pleased to be used as a pan.

I mean seriously, think about it. When have you ever seen a snake looking remotely happy? They’ve always got that remorseless (yet expressionless) blankness to their face. It’s either that or they look positively outraged. Heck, rattlesnakes even have those bloody terrifying rattles to overtly display their outrage. Yeah, so snakes are not good frying pan making material.

In his later years Peter Pan, in delusional fits of delusion, would accidentally hire batches of peat (accumulated decayed vegetation and organic matter) from the local farm. Thusly his pans were always smeared with unpleasant matter, leading to a decline in sales. Which was bad. His business failed and he lived out his remaining days as an Ice Cream tester at his local supermarket, which naturally made him balloon to 20 stone. Glovely. There’s a lesson in life, kids. Don’t be a SOB.