We’ve made some hellishly outlandish recipes over the years at Professional Moron. Indeed, Sugar Soup, rIce Cream, and Zompie were some of our favourites! Now we’re going full on, though. Oh yes, we’re combining two of the most pungent things on Earth, and we’re not on about cow manure and BO.

As Mr. Wapojif (our esteemed editor) sat picking his nose during lunch break, he happened on an idea for the ages. Indeed, it was such a discovery he leapt from his seat and began shrieking hysterically, as if he had been bitten by a mildly enraged sabre tooth tiger. For, you see, he realised the genius of three things: soup, tobacco, and marmite! What a moment ’twas.

Combining the lot to form a soup may seem like a genuinely idiotic idea to some, but we were up to the task. To make the recipe you’ll need a blender. Simply enter 5 jars of marmite, oregano, a large pack of tobacco (your brand – unsmoked), and a stock of Bovril into the blender and blend for 5 minutes. Place in a pan, then heat over the hob for five minutes on a medium heat – don’t let it boil. This will ruin its flavour.

Ah, it’s flavour! Yes, admittedly it tastes like you’ve inserted a dead rat into your face, but appearances can be deceptive. So can tastes. This is why sugar was invented, and we’ve found adding 300g of sugar to the pan mix really adds a sugary punch to the soup. You know what? It’s delicious after that!

We’ve made an organic version for any of you New Age foodies who can’t eat anything unless “organic” is stamped on it. LOL! Organic? BOREganic more like! ROFLMAO! Scared of those carcinogenic pesticides are you? Daaawwwww!!!! Bloody Hippies. Get some hearty Marmite & Tobacco Soup into your gut – that’ll put hair on your eyebrows.