Candy Floss is an interesting food product – it’s candy, but you can use it as dental floss. So we thought for the last 30 years, but apparently this is misinformation we’ve been misinforming ourselves with. Damn.

Dental floss is typically this bit of string which has a mint taste. It’s probably the biggest con in the history of teeth, but it’s pretty good fun to use and it makes one feel like an adult. Kind of like when someone sneezes and you say “Bless you!” as it’s polite, but what you’re really thinking is, “Someone crank open a bloody window, I don’t want that SOB’s germs!” Rather!

Dental floss has been known to take on more aggressive forms, though, such as an acid which corrodes half of your face off in searing agony. This one (called “Agony Floss”, rather unimaginatively) is only for people in a serious bloody dental emergency, such as when a bit of spinach gets lodged in their incisors during a date. That type of scenario.

Candy Floss, in the meantime, was invented by greedy capitalist pigdogs at some stage during the 20^th Century. Its stringy deliciousness soon proved mega tasty, and its ability to double up as a dental floss meant working class scumbags could enjoy gourmet food whilst keeping their teeth nice and clean.

Sadly, of course, we’ve all been suckered into a pack of lies! As it turns out, candy floss is nothing but pure sugar and artificial flavourings, which is a really good way to go about rotting your elephant tusks. Bugger.

So the margarine of the Candy Floss debacle is this: don’t floss your teeth. With anything. Just use a bloody toothbrush, idiot, seriously at what point did you think dental floss was a good idea?! Do you think Gandhi used it? Or St. Francis Of (Andre) Agassi? Or Atilla The Hungry? Actually, the latter propbably really digged Candy Floss, so (as it’s summer) go out there tonight and buy yourself some. Aces!