Four Beheadings and a Holy War is a British film from 1957 starring Fred Astaire, Sean Connery, and Lonnie Donegan as himself… hang on, I think we got a bit confused there. We’re probably thinking of a different film. What we meant to write is this: Four Weddings and a Funeral is a 1994 film starring Huge Grant, Andy McDowell, Simon Towel, and Mr. Bean.

It was a smash hit and is a damn good film, we admit, apart from Andy McDowell. She’s pretty rubbish in it and plays someone with a pretty face, and no personality, with a bumbling predisposition for muttering horrific dialogue, such as…

Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.

“Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.” – this line rears its ugly head at the conclusion of the film and has become notorious amongst film fans. It’s the moment when Andy realises how Huge his Grant is and can’t quite tell the thunderous lashing of British weather is attempting to pummel her insipid brain out of existence.

Frankly, had she said this to us at Professional Moron, it would have come across as so idiotic we’d have presumed she was in the midst of a medical emergency and we’d have rushed her off to hospital. Anyway, what should she have grumbled on that fateful day?

Is it still raining acid? My Neanderthal-like skull hadn’t noticed.

Okay, so we went there – handbags at dawn. Yep, we’re calling out McBowel’s as character a tedious moron and we think the sisterhood would agree there. Am I write, ladies? Well!?!?!?

Am I still feigning? I hadn’t noticed.

Carrie (Andy McDowell’s character) spends the whole damn film feigning all sorts of stuff. She’s the most unstable female character in any British film around that era, and we include Luke Skywalker in that assessment.

Is it still reigning? I hadn’t noticed.

Perhaps everyone’s had it incorrect all these years. Perhaps she said “reigning” – but is what still reigning? The British Monarchy? Is Four Weddings a subversive anti-monarchy flick?!

Are you still complaining? I had noticed.

Yes, bloody Brits and their bloody complaining. In this version of the film Andy McDowell has had enough of Huge Grant and his perpetual complaints about the weather, so she disses him.

Is it still pertaining? I hadn’t noticed.

Well, Andy, Four Wedding’s isn’t quite as pertinent a media text as it once was, but it is, nonetheless, an enjoyable romp.

Will we be aquaplaning? I would like some notice.

Concerned the wet weather will cause her to aquaplane off the pavements of London (it’s a noted phenomenon by women in high heels), Andy voices her concerns.

Are you still abstaining? I hadn’t noticed.

Hugh Grant does indeed abstain from Rom Coms. Sometimes. Take his thunderously cantankerous turn in the hit series House… oh wait, that was Hugh Laurie. Hmmm….

Are you still refraining from Rom Coms? I hadn’t noticed.

Yes, we get it, Huge Grant stars in way too many Rom Coms. At least he’s found his oeuvre, which is more than can be said for you, McBowells!

Is the war still on? I hadn’t noticed, despite my leg having been blown orf.

Being American and all that, she can’t resist the temptation to rub our noses in how they saved our arses during WWII. Yeah, Americans, time to move on… it were quite  along thyme ago, you know?

Does it need draining? I hadn’t noticed.

After all this bloody rain, Andy, we think you’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Am I still worth blaming? I hadn’t noticed.

You could have acted a bit better, love, but then there you go. We’re going to blame you for this all the same.