Imagine our consternation, right, upon unearthing a fact of late. Indeed, Professional Moron recently discovered raisins are shrivelled up grapes. Let’s reiterate that: the awesome, mighty raisin, is a sunburnt grape. What… the… hell? We’ve been conned all these years by those conniving goddamn SOBs! Whatever next? It turns out prunes are watermelons?!?!

Once we’d calmed down (which took a good few weeks) we suddenly realised this whole grape scenario makes sense. After all, there’s other sunburnt food you can eat: sunburned tomatoes, sidewalk fried egg (when it’s a sunny day), those earthworms which you see dried up like twiglets, and mushrooms left out of the fridge for too long. Yes. Yes! How could we be so dense?

Subsequently we began to put other two-and-twos together, but were disappointed to learn olives aren’t raisins which have been “ReGraped”, as it were. Scientists recently discovered how to unboil boiled eggs, so why not unsunburn sundried grapes? Better still, why leave grapes out to boil alive, anyway? Surely that’s a breach of numerous anti-sunburn regulations?

And why aren’t raisins called sundried grapes? Which stupid moronic idiot called them “raisins”? That serves no rational purpose. It sounds a lot like “reasons”, which is hugely confusing, especially when you put the two into a sentence like: “Give me some reasons to buy some raisins.” See?

Plus, is there raisin wine? One of the notable features of raisins is their general dryness, so squeezing juice out of one of them would be like trying to have a romantic dinner date for two with a great white shark. It’s snot happening. However, we guess you could mush the raisins into a paste and then that would be close to a wine. Ish.

On the whole, we’ve been devastated by this news. The only thing more depressing would be to discover eggnog doesn’t have any nog it in. That’s be effing catastrophic!