Welcome, Windows 10! But What Happened To Windows 9?!

Windows 10
This was the Windows 9 logo that never was. Tragic, right?

Windows 9 where the Operating System (OS) what never we’re. Literally and figuratively. Microsoft, invented by nerd genius Bill Gates, did Windows 8 in 2012, like, and everyone hated it as, you know, getting angry about something is more productive than ignoring innocuous First World Problems.

Professional Moron, being hypocrites, led the caustic outrage towards Windows 8. What in the name of damn was up with the tiled interface!? Where the cripes did the Start button go? What in the name of Jerry Springfield were they thinking? It made out blood boil! Literally and figuratively.

To combat the outrage Microsoft did Windows 10, having forgotten number 9 exists. Yep, Microsoft don’t deal with 9s. In fact numbers in general are tough for them. 20 years ago we had Windows ’95. Then it were Windows ’98. Now we’re on Windows 10, with no 9, and by cripes does this number hopping make is confused, scared, and violent.

Had Windows 9 been a thing we’re sure it would have been dead ace. Here are some of the features which would have been included:

  • Social Media Jenson Buttons – Social media icons which send messages directly to Formula One driver Jenson Button, just to annoy the bejeezus out of him.
  • Ant-Virus Software – An inbuilt ants nest in every OS to attack any naughty, computer destroying viruses from hackers.
  • A digital assistant called Rasputin. This heavily accented, erratic assistant would “help” you out by predicting the future (“When you’re finished with your computer you will log off!”, “Your battery is running low… I foresee the need to plug the energy socket into the mains!”) and shouting at you in a weird foreign language.
  • Gesture based piles. The “tile” system, having been dissed to such an extent, would have been replaced by piles of stuff. Basically, instead of putting your stuff neatly into folders, there’d just be piles of files and folders on the desktop for you to sift through.
  • Luckily a new feature called The Sift would let you sift through the mess to discover your idiotic Selfies. They think of everything, them Microsoft people.

There we have it! For all its brilliance, Windows 9 never existed. Which is a bloody shame! If you’re disappointed you can no longer get all sanctimonious about Windows 8, have a go at Microsoft about the lack of a Windows 9. We suggest something such as, “LOL! ROFLMAO! Cannot you guys, like, count?! LOL!” Nerd heaven.


  1. Windows 9 wasn’t a starter because Microsoft built too many keyloggers and too much spyware into it, to transfer even your private files to their corporate servers. I think I got that version number right…


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