We’ve always been a bit confused about microwaves. As the name implies, although the product doesn’t deliver on this implication, you’d think microwaves would be pretty micro. They aren’t. In fact, they’re about as micro as a walrus. By this we mean they’re not micro at all, but are big old cumbersome things which get in the way.

Why is this? Over the decades, as technology has advanced, everything has become smaller. Phones, music player things, huge screen HD TVs, those enormous massive cars some people drive for no reason, and toilets. Okay, so not everything has gone micro, but most things which matter have. Everything… except microwaves. Professional Moron stepped into the fray to change this.

Indeed, which is why we invented the micro microwave! Now we’re going to have to be honest here, this was something of a failed invention. We admit it – we went too far this time. We also discovered why microwaves are usually that size – it’s so you can fit stuff in them. Unfortunately, our 20cm by 20cm micro microwave isn’t adept at having stuff inside it at all. The darned thing is simply too tiny for any form of substantial meal. This is something of a design fault.

We did manage, after much straining and shoving, to get a pop tart inside the thing, although bits of the pop tart crumbled off onto the floor. We did get a good third of the thing into it, though, but when he began to microwave the pop tart our machine quickly began to pulse out black smoke, a few flames, and the putrid stench of burning food. Indeed, the micro microwave fried the poor pop tart. There was nothing left even remotely edible. ‘twas a sad day for Foodies the world over.

The micro microwave, then, not only is too small to fit anything of use into it, but it incinerates whatever you do get in there. Another big problem was the levels of radiation the micro microwave kicked off, which was enough to somehow alert the IAEA’s Hans Blix – he turned up on our doorstep and proceeded to beat Mr. Wapojif about the head with a copy of the Financial Times, shrieking Swedish oaths as he did so.

Look, we’re not totally depraved and idiotic. As staunch defenders of consumer rights, on moral grounds we simply can’t release this into the market at our asking price of £600 ($750). Instead, we’ll consign this invention to the scrap bin of dreadfulness and move on with our lives. We’ll also be drafting a letter of apology to Mr. Blix for wasting his time. Apologies, sir.