Many apps these days make you sit about the place becoming morbidly obese. Indeed, the thing about technology is it encourages the participator to be lazy and obnoxious. Perhaps this is part of the appeal. Anyway, with our latest invention, Instirgram, you only get to be obnoxious. Our apologies.
We’ve blatantly stolen the name from Instagram, but this is the point. It’s clever marketing. Instirgram has nothing to do with pictures, though, as it is instead focused on physical activity, namely stirring. Let’s face it, we all love a good stir! Whether you’re stirring baked beans, soup, broth, rice, or pasta, even top chefs would admit the real kick they get out of cooking is when they complete a good stir.
Instirgram replicates this fantastically. Users take hold of their smartphone as if it were a ladle, and begin to gyrate their wrists in a stirring motion. The app will helpfully, through its integrated vocal announcement feature, inform the player of their progress. For instance, if stirring is inadequate, the app will inform you that your baked beans lunch has been incinerated upon the bottom of the pan: “Sacre blue! Tu est in ***ing idiote!” (the voice is supplied by acting legend Gerard Depardieu).
Conversely, if stirring is too vigorous, the app will warn you you’re currently splashing scolding hot soup liquid over yourself, inducing nothing but searing agony upon your extremities which would require immediate amputation and a possible lobotomy: “Sacre bleu! Your limbs are on fire!” etc.
Of course the Scrambled Eggs feature is where things get really mental. We all know how stressful making this dish is. One has to observe over the thing, getting frustrated it’s taking so long from turning from liquid into lumpy mush, then going berserk when the lumpy mush begins to form. In Instirgram, the user is forced to go bananas, thrashing their wrist about wildly in order to keep Gerard Depardieu from berating their efforts.
It’s a hellish nightmare of a task, but a mere 10 minutes in this mode is enough to burn 400 calories. You’ll be a nervous wreck for the rest of your life, and you’ll be left haunted by Depardieu’s dulcet antagonism, and could well need counselling for PTSD, but it’s a perfect way to shred off the pounds.
You’ll be able to download Instirgram in Q1 of 2016, if Apple clear the app’s blatant disregard for consumer safety and sanity. It’ll be £20 on launch ($50).