A Brief History of the Carrot!

Carrots
A carrot, as opposed to carrots. But it’s the same thing.

The thing about carrots is the name gives the implication they’re prone to rotting, when in actual actuality they’re one of the sturdier vegetables. Indeed, although they have the habit of going bendy, they can remain in your refrigerator for months on end without ponging the place out, sprouting arms, legs, or sentient thought, and not raiding your property after developing these attributes.

In terms of edibility carrots are right up there with the very best vegetables, offering a sweet, crunchy punch in the face. Eating one is like being punched in the gob by a naïve, but adorable, friend. You can do lots of stuff with these things too, such as steam them, boil them, mash them, and make cake out of them. Rather, their amazing fortitude means they can be tortured to any depraved extent you see fit and they will absolutely never rat on anyone. Marvellous.

Carrots were invented by British comedian Jasper Carrot in the 1970s. They were originally a repulsive radioactive green colour, so they were painted orange for marketing appeal. This immediately put them at odds with oranges, and to this day there remains a bitter war of hatred between the two food stuffs.

As childish as this is, carrots never really fully dismissed oranges from their turf. Let’s face it, oranges are better. Nevertheless, carrots are a mainstay element in cuisine across the world, and are beloved by rabbits and snowmen and snow-none-men (women) of all ages.

To say they have been a cultural phenomenon would be a blatant lie, but they have nevertheless provided iconic moments in the history of humanity, such as the brutal insanity of Watership Down and carrot and coriander soup. We have to give a big thumbs up to their ability to help you see in the dark, which is provided by Vitamin A.

You can, of course, overdose of Vitamin A so don’t go downing 5 litres of carrot juice in some misguided attempt to gain x-ray vision. Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif once attempted this and ended up delusionally proclaiming himself to be John Hurt from Alien (who voiced one of the rabbits in Watership Down, ironically). Carrots, eh?

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