Shoes aren’t technically considered a food. Charlie Chaplin’s Tramp proved otherwise, gleefully indulging in a leather shoe in that episode we can’t remember the name of. Inspired by this sublime act of valour, we’ve created our latest in a stream of (putatively) idiotic inventions – shoep.

As you may well have guessed, it’s soup with a difference. It’s soup made out of shoes! We’ve all been there – you’ve been wearing a pair of shoes for too long and they’re disintegrating. The sole is coming off and, by heck, the overall stench has turned from mildly amusing to outright disgusting. Thusly, it’s time to do away with them.

How does one do that? Well you’ll first need some stock, which you can make out of putrid old socks. Lightly boil a dozen of these in 2 litres of water and then leave to soak overnight. For the next step you’ll need a blender and something with which to dismantle the shoe into manageable chunks. For this we recommend a chainsaw, although if you own a dog you can hand it to them and they’ll rip it apart for you. Free of charge!

Your next task is to add some of the stock into your blender, along with your old shoes. Turn that SOB onto maximum, stand back, and leave it to blend for at least 175 seconds. Transfer this mush to a pan afterwards (pausing to take a picture so you can add it to popular new social media service Panterest, of course!) and boil up your shoep.

Voila! Shoep! Now you may want to spice things up a notch with spices and additional ingredients – you are only human, of course. Unless you’re an alien reading this from some planet somewhere (if you are, welcome. But don’t go thinking you can abduct us or invade our planet)!

Regardless, we can recommend ingredients such as a dollop of shoe polish, turpentine, aspic, and a few chunks of chewed bubble-gum (to replicate the feeling of getting gum on one’s shoes whilst walking). We’re not releasing shoep into the shops, incidentally, this is simply a recipe we suggest you make.

We’re too busy with Panterest and Instirgram (the latter app will prep you brilliantly for shoep) development to bother ourselves with this unacceptable mess of foul smelling foot odour and leather, but we do hope you can enjoy baking it up in time for autumn. Aiiiiiiiie!